4/11/15

learning to be happy

i would say that for the majority of my life, i have been a negative person. someone who is quick to assume the worst in myself and others. someone who thinks it's too good to be true or nothing good lasts forever. with this way of living, i have made more mistakes than i can count. mistakes that lead to hurting others, as well as myself. it feels vulnerable to speak truth about myself, but i feel as if it is a way for me to really put this flaw out there, so i can work towards really changing it. 

i cannot count the number of times my husband has said to me, "be more positive." i was in this habit of scoffing at him when he would say it because i didn't think of it that way. i would become defensive and claim that i am speaking real life, nothing more. well, that's such bullshit. sometimes ... most times ... maybe, just maybe ... i do need to be more positive. not just for me, but for them. my husband and my children. 

i began thinking, is this how you want your children to be? to live their lives in a state of doom in order to prepare for something bad to happen? or do i want them to be happy ... to see the light in a dark room ... even if it is hidden away in the darkest corner, under a rock. THAT has to be better. being happy has to be better. 

to be honest, the other morning i was snuggled on the couch with my babies watching daniel tiger and it really hit me. he said, "when something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good." yes, that adorable, animated tiger in the red sweater got through to me. sometimes, enlightenment will show itself in the funniest way. 

so, i have a new goal for myself. 

everyday, i will wake up and tell myself these words:

be a light. be warm. be loving. be encouraging. stop finding the ugliness and look for beauty. it's okay to smile all day. that doesn't mean something bad is around the corner. everything is okay. everything is good. 

i used to think that i wasn't worthy of happiness and would deliberately mess up as a way of proving it to myself. or i would think that living in a positive light was for people who never made a mistake. and damn it, that's just not true. a good friend told me this ... "as long as you are waking up everyday and trying your best to be good to yourself and those you love ... you can have happiness." 

everything is okay. life is wonderful. i am happy and i am worthy of it. i'm trying. 










these photos were taken at a local garden ... it was so warm yesterday ... the sun was shining and we wanted to embrace spring and see the blooms. roll in the greener grass. and that is what this about, for me. learning how to water the grass that is my life ... let go, smile and roll around in it. to be happy ... because i have so, so much to be happy about.

5 comments:

  1. so so wonderful. whenever i feel on the edge of myself or the day or feel bogged down by my spinning thoughts that always seem to trip into the darker zone, i swear to you i always sing that line by michael franti..."it's never too late to start the day over...." and it's usually when i'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth or looking at my reflection and saying "ugh" or if i'm in a store and gus is throwing a tantrum and my patience has run out and i could have a meltdown in front of an older woman who asks if i'm ok...i just sing that cheesy damn song and march on. it doesn't solve life's woes, but it does help. love you xxo

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  2. Trying is important. Trying turns into a habit, which turns into the way you live your life. Keep it up!

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  3. I struggle with that same thing. It's funny because (and I could swear I see this in you) I am a grateful person. When something kind is done for me or my children I am rocked to my core over it. I'm thankful for even the smallest gesture. All that being said though I never see it coming. I always feel like things can and WILL get worse and I hate that. It's nothing like what I tell my babies, or how I want them to be, but I'm over here robbing myself of how much of my life because I'm literally AFRAID to be happy. I love this post. It's wonderful words to live by. I'm actually re-reading A Series of Unfortunate Events (I'm sure you noticed since I cannot shut up about it) but there is a lot of re evaluation of a person's character and the choices we make and how a wrong choice doesn't become a right choice no matter how we reason it away. I've found myself crying so many times over it, while reading, It's funny how these words meant for children are the ones we NEED to hear and the best way to hear it.

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  4. I have been following you on Instagram for quite sometime now.. And believe me I have always imagined you and your family to be most happy people.. By what I have felt through the pictures .. Your life is a dream .. A beautiful dream that makes me feel so happy about my life .. I can never imagine you being negative.. For me you are a lovely positive person already, actually ever since I first read your post on Instagram.. Wishing you smiles and happiness..

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