today i walked around my house with a broken heart. it wasn't broken, it just felt like it was. if given the option, i would have gladly said yes to curling up into the fetal position and sobbed all the way to bedtime. i didn't do my best today. i didn't even try. it really bothers me when people say, "well, such and such didn't go well, but at least you are doing your best." i think that's bullshit. for the most part as a human and mother, yes, i give it my all ... but sometimes, i just don't. i see a short line for the emotional roller coaster and shit ... i hop right on. tears flowing, wind in my hair, screaming all the way up and all the way down. meanwhile, my kids are sitting on a bench waiting for me ... eating god knows what and probably falling down and slamming their fingers in doors. this is honest. this is life.
now that they are tucked away in their beds ... i cry some more because damn it, kristen ... tomorrow you gotta get it together. no excuses. i know that most of my highs and lows right now are because i am full term in my pregnancy and just ready for this baby to get here. it is so hard to move around right now and to keep up with my kiddos. i wouldn't trade this time for anything in the whole world, but that doesn't change the fact that it IS hard... they have been so patient with me. today eleanor saw i was crying, yet again, and she drew me a picture of the five of us. new baby right there in my arms. it was so innocent and wonderful and sweet. and later, i let them play outside a bit and wolfgang strutted up to me carrying the teeniest white flower i have ever seen. he handed it to me and then scurried away... they were doing their best today because i couldn't. i truly believe that ... that is what makes us a team. what makes us family. what makes us very best friends.
p.s. i apologize for the cursing ... those words basically just typed themselves out.
and listen to this song. it will mend your broken, but not really broken, heart.