10/7/14

hello, it's me ... over here! it's Kristen.

most days this mom gig means never being alone and that's okay. we wouldn't trade it, would we? i love being smothered by my babes all day, everyday. i am even okay with never taking a poop with the door closed and it has only gotten worse now that wolfgang is cruising. i can't even wipe without him trying to reach in behind me to splash in the toilet water. don't worry ... i never allow him to succeed. from sunrise to sundown i am a mom. as i type this i can't even remember the last time someone called me by my name and a knot just swelled in my throat and a tear ran down my cheek. it's okay though. it really is.

anyway, on tuesdays eleanor goes to art school from 11:30am - 1:30pm. usually wolfgang and i drop her off, grab some lunch or do some shopping. arick was able to watch wolfgang today, so i went alone. at first i was so giddy because i just didn't know what to do. where to eat? where should i go? i can do anything i want for two whole hours? by myself? wow. it felt so huge. it felt life changing almost. at the very least, mood changing if you know what i mean. 

i decided to go thrifting first and i walked down each and every aisle. i look at every brass candlestick holder. every sweater, men and womens. i flipped through every record. i sat in every chair. i picked up every basket. i truly existed in that thrift store. i even made small talk with other loners in the store and that is something i almost never do. i felt so free in there. 

next, i went to the florist shop where i bought my wedding flowers seven years ago. i hadn't been in that florist shop since my wedding day. why not i do not know. i bought some eucalyptus and talked to the florist about wreath making, which is something i plan on doing soon and i wanna get really good at it. next door to the florist shop is a smoothie restaurant where we eat lunch sometimes. i went in for a chocolate chip cookie. one of the staff members put it in the oven for me and it came out so warm and gooey. even talking to the employee there felt different without kids in tow. i could feel myself glowing almost. i felt so feminine and real. am i the only one who understands this feeling? is it just me? 

lastly, i took a walk ... eucalyptus and gooey cookie in hand. it was raining, but i didn't care. as i walked down the sidewalk it felt as if i were floating in the middle of the ocean. i could feel every wave ripple against my skin. every breath felt like the first breath id ever taken. i was infinite. i had a name. i was Kristen. 

whenever i picked up eleanor, i couldn't wait to hug her. to feel her warmth and love. in that two hours, i had hit the reset button. i had reminded myself that i am still here. i will always be mom, but i will also always be me. 









3 comments:

  1. this is so beautiful.
    wish i was walking by your side, or may be not. that would change the story, no?
    i could sense something rise inside me as i read through your sojourn.
    kristen, i see you.

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  2. loved reading this so much . honestly I feel the same . I hae two kiddos around the same age and I got out I te house to get groceries the other day and felt every feeling you just shared. You explained it so perfectly. ��

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  3. There is nothing like re-realizing that you exist. Everything you wrote felt familiar to me... and my heart goes out to you. You are Kristen. Beautiful, fun, sweet, talented, interesting Kristen.

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