admitting to someone that you are sad is a really hard thing to do. it can even feel impossible, like there is a force inside of you daring you to speak of it. if i say, "i need help." in an instant you become powerless. weak. more human than you'd like to be.
i knew the day was coming. i anticipated the day for nine whole months. meeting my baby. my third child. my son. i wanted that day to come more than anything in the world ... but i also knew, having two babies prior, that there is a price to pay for a love that big. nothing is free, including this. with eleanor and wolfgang, i was textbook depressed for the first couple weeks after delivery. all of my symptoms were verbatim what i read in my what to expect while expecting book. i found that to be comforting because it was all there. i knew it would pass. it was frightening, but it would slowly fade away. ... this time was the same the first few days. i had every symptom. i knew it was coming and i could handle it. i told myself, "give it time, you will be okay." ...but this time, i was not okay. i was drowning in darkness.
my mom came every evening the first week and helped out. she made dinner and got eleanor and wolfgang bathed and in bed. it was amazing. and every night when she left, i would slowly ease up the stairs with rufus in my arms, feeling more terrified than ive ever felt ... my husband works most evenings, so it was just me, the kids, this house and my thoughts. my horrifying thoughts.
night after night, i worsened. and honestly the days weren't much better. i cried from sun up to sun down. mostly in secret, but sometimes i couldn't hide it from the kids. i felt like the loneliest person who'd ever lived. i thought, "i can't do it." over and over again. when my husband left for work every morning, in my mind i was begging him not to go. "i can't be alone. please don't leave me alone." i would watch wolfgang play on the floor and wonder why anyone would trust me with these little people. i can love them, but that's all i can do. im not capable of this. im falling apart.
i began to dread the question, "how are you doing?"... one day specifically the mailman rang the door bell and when i answered, he handed me a package and cheerfully said, "how we doin' today?" ... in my head i responded, "please help me." it was as if an asteriod was about to hit earth and i was the only person who knew it was coming ... but if i said it out loud, somehow it would make it real. make it official. i would officially need help. i would officially be broken and need fixed.
the hallucinations began towards the end of my second week. my husband was working particularly late one night and i was exhausted. you know, cluster feeding and sleeping twenty minutes here, twenty minutes there. rufus had just fed and fallen asleep, so i turned on reruns of the office and began to drift off. i awoke to the sounds of what sounded like little girls singing. i looked out my window thinking the neighbors were outside. all i saw was darkness. when i heard it again, i realized it was coming from the wall behind my bed ... my heart began to race and i immediately texted my husband, "when are you coming home?" ... i somehow managed to drift off again and when i awoke the second time, my eyes immediately fixed on a baby hanging upside down across the room by my bathroom door ... (i know this is upsetting to read. believe me, it is upsetting to write this.) it was insane. i felt insane. ... i grabbed my phone and google searched postpartum psychosis because i remembered that being a thing from the days i worked at the state behavioral hospital. i do not believe in ghosts, i knew it was all in my head. i read that it does happen, although rare. i also read that it is almost always temporary. that brought me comfort, but i was still the most scared id ever been. i wanted to call 911, but i just believed it would stop. it just had to stop. ... my husband stayed home the next night because i asked him to, but i never told him why. it isn't an easy thing to talk about or admit. no one wants to appear crazy. or even potentially laughed at for even saying such bizarre things. he wouldn't have meant any harm, but i knew it was a possibility ...
i wanted so badly to fall into his arms and sob it all away. he knew i was struggling inside, but i didn't express how serious it was. i couldn't. i couldn't go to him. it was as if i didn't have a choice. somewhere inside, a part of me made it so i had to suffer alone... he would be standing next to me or laying next to me in bed and i would tell myself, "go to him," but i couldn't. i froze ...
my little wolfgang was my savior. he didn't know it, of course, but he saved me. i knew i couldnt reveal too much sadness to eleanor because it would worry and scare her. but wolfgang, i could sit next to him on the couch, read him a book and sob through the whole thing. kiss his little head in between pages and whisper, "we will be okay. mommy will be okay. mommy loves her babies so much." ... maybe that wasn't fair to him either, but he was the only person i felt i could trust. he wouldn't pass judgement and he wouldn't find me weak or crazy. even now, i regret sharing this here because i fear you will find me crazy.
now, at four weeks postpartum, i am recovering. i experience joy throughout the day and look forward to being awake and living life. of course, some days are emotional and hard, but that's just the normalcy of motherhood. i no longer feel trapped at the bottom of a well with no hope of getting out. i feel so relieved. a part of me still feels afraid that it will come back and when it does it will stay. that is my worst fear right now ... but i am trying hard to set the fear aside and enjoy everyday. to count my blessings that the darkness came, but it didn't stay ... i even let my husband watch all three babes so i could spend a few hours at the hair salon. it was everything.
if any of you are experiencing postpartum depression and feel unable to talk to your loved ones about it, please email me. even if you ask me not to respond and just need to get your feelings and words out there for someone to read and understand ... im here. please do not hesitate to reach out and more importantly, do not go through it alone. xo.
