true grit

today was rough. so rough that i fought tears most of the day until eventually there was just no fighting them. all i wanted was to magically grow wings and fly. not fly away, but just to sore high in the sky and feel the wind against my face, wiping my tears. i never wanted this blog to turn into a place for me to whine, but i don't know, i just felt really alone today. you know what i mean? and i am almost embarrassed or ashamed, maybe? to even admit that. but i think it is life and it is okay to feel feelings every once in a while. and it is even okay to share them.

my body is going through a change so to speak. wolfgang is almost a year old and we are still actively breastfeeding with no plans to stop anytime soon, but i think my body is trying to officially bounce back from pregnancy. and by that i mean, i think my period is coming back. i feel so hormonal and emotional and exhausted and the whole bit that comes along with it. my husband has been so patient with me and understanding and even let me take an almost three hour nap today. boy, i needed it. especially after the morning we had at school.

so, yea, school. eleanor and i clashed BIG time today. she didn't feel like doing school and honestly neither did i, but we did it anyway. at one point she hid under the table and just flat refused to participate. i was taking deep breaths and trying to think of a way to get her interested and obedient. well, nothing was coming to me and i wanted to crawl under the table with her and just give up on the whole day. i can't do that. i have to stay strong and positive for her. i have to somehow get a grip even when it feels impossible. i try to remind myself to hug it out. just grab her and hug it out. it will work. it always works. but i am not perfect and i do not always do that. instead i become really frustrated and am fighting the urge to lash out. especially when she has crawled out from under the table and has started kicking her legs and yelling. eventually i excuse myself and lock myself in the bathroom for several minutes until i feel as if i have calmed down. at this point when i walked back upstairs she, too, had calmed down and was coloring. phew. we were able to continue on with school and slowly finish.

homeschooling is so great in so many ways. it allows you to construct your own schedule and basically come and go as you please. doctors appointments? no problem. field trips? anytime you want. start school at 10am today and 1pm tomorrow? absolutely. and being able to keep your baby at home all day everyday, well that is just the icing on top of the cake. i love it for all of those reasons, but it is so hard sometimes. worth it, but hard. i worked with the criminally insane for many years and i will say that homeschooling is even harder than that. obviously it is much more rewarding and a million times more wonderful, but hard.

i go to bed every night hoping that i didn't fail her. i lay in bed and think of how i can make tomorrow go smoothly and for no one to become upset or frustrated. at the end of the day, all i want is for her to feel loved. and this may sound selfish, but i want her to enjoy me. to enjoy my company. to enjoy me as her teacher. i don't want her to dread school because that means more time with me. i want her to love homeschool. i know that i am probably being dramatic and just plain emotional at this point because she is only six and most kids do not like school no matter who the teacher is. and i know that it is okay that we had a bad day and tomorrow is a new day. we will try again. i will try to be more positive and shoot, more fun even. most importantly, more patient. more kind. more forgiving.

i apologize for this blog post, but not really i guess. i think the greatest blog posts i have ever read have been knowing that the woman who wrote it was probably sobbing and typing at the same time. sometimes life is more than feeling inspired over a new recipe or where did she get that dress or i want my house to look like that. let's get to the grit. let's get to the real stuff. the human stuff.