1/26/16

self worth and some photos

today has been pretty stressful. let me rephrase that - i have been really stressful. my husband even told me so earlier tonight. i'm not sure what my deal is, really. i guess i have been struggling with self worth lately. i mean, that's no excuse to be a stressful person, but maybe that's the reason anyhow. i am trying to figure out where i fit. is being a mother enough? am i supposed to be working towards something else? something just for me? or should i stop asking that question and just live. i feel such a pressure to keep up with other women. like so and so are off doing something wonderful AND being a mom. women are starting businesses and writing books while mothering and i get down on myself because i think why can't i do it all? why is it too much for me? it is especially hard when i open instagram on an exceptionally stressful day and see things other women are posting. on those days, it seems as if they are standing on top of a mountain wearing big smiles and i am stuck in a valley shouting up, "hey! what about me?!" ... it feels so insecure and childish to admit, but feelings are feelings are feelings. and maybe that's the thing - maybe i need to give my feelings a rest and stop worrying so much about what other women are doing and just be okay with whoever i am. 

it hit me today that i will probably never have a blog that has all of these how to's and recipes and it won't all be perfectly so and that's okay. it is. no one says i have to fit that mold. i can be whatever kind of writer and picture taker that i want to be. it is okay. i can just be here in my own little corner and talk about emotions and humanness. i love that stuff. and of course the occasional how to and recipe and what nots ... because those things are really great. but honestly, im just learning as i go just like everyone else. 

 i just think it is so important to not feel alone in this womanhood thing. to remember that we are all worthy of great things.  

well, im off to lay next to my husband and hug him because i am sorry for being stressful. i don't wanna be. here's to doing better. good night. xo. 












these are just some photos i took while putting laundry away today. i don't know, it was just a really good part of my day. 

35 comments:

  1. I am sorry you are feeling stressed! But you are not stressful to others, on the contrary, very inspiring! Everybody has those moments of doubts, but we are hiding them:) Thanks again for your lovely blog!

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  2. Dear Kristen,
    I can feel your emotions and pain believe me, I feel the same, but when I look at your blog. I feel that I am that girl screaming from very very bottom. For me you are the example of success. You have amazing neat and very stylish house, this beautiful windows with no curtains makes me mad. You are young, but you already have 3 children. You Instagram is very popular and you blog is stylish and full of beautiful photos.
    I am sure that there is another girl who looks through my pictures and finds my life and my achievements impressive.
    I am struggling and scared right now. In my late 20th I decided that I really want to be a photographer, I went to school for that and finished it, but at the same time I had already a family with our son I had to take care, so I wasn't this young hungry teen who proceeds his dreams in becoming fashion photographer or artist. I graduated and now I am home staying mom with my little princess in my belly. I did some weddings and worked quite a lot as a second shooter, but I can't call it success in my understanding and I am so scared and so stressed, that I can't even sleep, because I don't know which way to go. Should I start blogging, do I have to pursue wedding photography or open etsy shop and at the same time I have no time, as I take care of my 9 year old, as my husband work double full time and I am expecting and my house not even close to be so stylish and neat as yours ( its if I want to do blogging lol). I think it's also a nature of creative mind to struggle.
    I read a quote the other day and I think it will bring you some relief as it did to me:
    "The reason we are struggling with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone's else's highlight reel."
    Have a wonderful day Kristen,
    XOXO
    Anastasia

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  3. Yesterday, I was an exceptionally stressful person as well, for which I had to apologize to my husband. There is so much pressure to be more than we are, do more than we are doing, but who is applying that pressure? I feel like I do it to myself a lot, which I suppose plays into what you said about self worth. But your words moved me, as they nearly always do - especially about the not feeling alone in this womanhood thing; it can be so very isolating at times. Please know that you and your blog are such a comfort, because you talk about the real stuff. DIY tutorials and recipes and the like are so wonderful, but you don't truly see the person behind them - it all feels a bit removed and less than authentic. So, I guess I just want to say this: thank you for being authentically you. It's refreshing, really. Keep on keeping on. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week! And those laundry photos? Precious. :)
    Nicole @ anotherwomacck.blogspot.com

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  4. I often wonder how we women and mothers can support each other more and help each other to feel that we are all doing something worthwhile. But it is so hard not to feel inadequate and that everyone else is doing it better. I have similar feelings of doubt almost every day. I want to write a book, to reach an audience, to do something great for the world (or just something pretty good) and to set an example for my children. I really appreciate your honesty because it is so easy for me to look at your photos and think that your life is content and blissful and adored by so many and I struggle with being home with my son (and daughter who is due this spring) and wanting/trying to do something more. I wonder how we can shift things so that everyone feels like they are contributing something, no matter how small, and that we all feel worthwhile in our own endeavors even if they don't seem big or impressive or like anyone else cares what we are doing?

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  5. You know I love you... You've always been one of those women that amaze me. Honesty and Heart and so much that whole package. It's so important to love other women. You do that. You have so much value and so much to share. You are killing it. Every single day. Discontentment is okay, but know that you are inspiring someone too. XO

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  6. Dear Kristen
    I think honestly you are enough and Im enough and we all do our best as a mothers and everything else.We ALL know that life isn't always perfect organic square or blog post or how to.... We all are stressful screaming women here and there and thats fineeeeeee :) Love following you for who you are here and on IG xoxo Veronika

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  8. I always want people to comment on my blog, you know, so I know they are there.
    I find myself not commenting on blogs I love, so here I am, commenting on yours.
    Thanks for writing this, and thanks for having this blog. Thank you for inviting us into your life, however messy. I stumbled upon your blog about a month ago and I SO SO enjoy it, you are a great voice and such a light. Keep going. You do not have to be perfect, you are going to mess up every so often and it's ok. Keep going, you're so wonderful. Thank you.

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  9. Oh Kristen, not sure where to start, but I love you! You see even though I have never met you and all I have is IG to follow and this blog it's awesome. I feel the same way at time but from the other side as I am a full time workig mom with 2 little ones and I wonder about when I look into your life on IG "WOW she has it all together, beautiful home, beautiful family, amazing pictures, and a blog, on top of it all she shares her life story with other" now that's pretty awesome, admirable, I try to do the same thing and jugle work, and keeping my house super simple and well put together as well as take amazing pictures of my kids and family to capture the little meaninful joyful things you always want to remember. Anyways you are not alone, and well I really enjoy coming in here to your blog and read up on feelings because honestly it's good to know that it doesn't matter how perfect someones life seems just by pictures it's good to know that there is real life and meaning behind it all. So thank you for sharing, and for always being awesome. I'm not brave enought like you are to open my IG account to the world but you can always follow me if you like :). Keep up the awesome work of being a stay home mom and the joys of it those babies grow up fast we both know that! Take good care xoxo

    Johanna Roman

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  10. kristen

    just by existing you are worthy and enough. no matter what you are or are not doing you have inherent value as a person.

    i struggled with similar feelings for a long time and then i got really sick. i thought i valued myself and felt pretty self confident but as my health declined i lost more and more things that had made me "feel good about myself." i couldn't earn money, i couldn't do hobbies or socialize, i couldn't do dishes or clean the house, and eventually i couldn't feed myself. getting to that place where everything that i thought made me who i was had disappeared made me realize that with all of those things gone i was still there. i am doing better now but still can't work outside of the home. it took a while for me to believe it but i am glad i realized that i am not my job or what activities i do. sometimes i feel like people are judging me because i am not even a mother i am "just" a wife and homemaker. but i am happy with it and my husband is happy with it and that is all that matters. fulfillment looks different for everyone so you can just figure out what is important to you and within reach right now. i am trying to have patience and appreciate the "season" of life i am in. it is frustrating to not be able to do what i eventually want to do (farming) right now but i know when the time is right i will.

    i love your blog and instagram. my favorite part is that you share your feelings and hardships. i think you are so brave. i want to share that way on the blog i am starting but i then i doubt myself and fear i will have shared too much. also i see your blog and think "oh man she is young and has three children and a house already" feeling like this illness has put me so behind on some imaginary timeline (so i guess i do the same thing).

    final note: i think that parenting is so important to the future of humanity. loving your children and teaching them how to treat other people is no small thing.

    emma

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    1. I love this post Kristen, and I love your response Emma. My youngest of 7 is seven, and I am finally having a little time to explore other passions. No matter what the future brings, or what I am able to accomplish, mothering will always be my best job, and the best opportunity I will ever have to change the world for better. It is worth devoting ourselves to, and is a really fleeting season.

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  11. I finished the bulk of mothering pre-instagram. I suggest unfollowing those that trigger the 'less-than" and follow others that celebrate beauty. I would have continually compared myself. I'm sure people look at your feed and feel like your life is more perfect than theirs. You have lovely children and you only get them for 18 years-love them up and be in that moment. There is plenty of time after for a second life. xo Jana

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  12. Well, I sure like all the toes in your photos. :)

    I like a lot of things about your posts, and thanks for sharing, and I'm sorry you're feeling low. Like those commenters above said, we really all feel that way. (I do today, in fact.) I unfollow instas I really like sometimes because my rule is if I ever start feeling bad about myself or the person posting it's not beneficial and I'm better off without the influence.

    I like the way you ended with sunny pictures though, even though you may not feel sunny at the moment. At least there's hope for tomorrow. ;)

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  13. I'm so glad I raised my kids pre-Instagram. The pressures we women put on ourselves, because we think we're inadequate compared to everyone else, are astonishing. The only people who have to approve of you are yourself and your husband and kids. No one else. And no one else is putting their real life on Instagram anyway.

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  14. Hi there.
    I'm one of your followers on IG, and I've just readed this.
    Let me tell you. I'm struggling myself with my self steem and self-worth. I made a choice: not to be a mom. I'm so commited with my work. Anyway I admire moms, I admire people that make the choice to be a mom, or not to be, like me. That doesn't define us. We are more than that. I admire every women and men, mother or not, that do what they want with their life, even if it's just live! You're a beautiful and talented photographer and mom. Let things flow. I understand your need to feel that worthy, but you already are. We all are. You're a mom, a woman with a lot of talent, and you mean the whole world for your hubbie and children. And you're capable of whatever crazy project you want to imagine. You're enough, hun.

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  15. Hello! I am a follower on IG and just visited your blog. Thanks for being so honest and true. I feel as if I could have written this exact thing. I have a motto that I have been applying to my life and motherhood recently, "it's my job to be calm." We all have jobs to do and if we break them down, then it's not as stressful. Keep being you! I'll keep being me! And all together, the works goes round! (Cheesy, but true!)

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  16. I've followed your IG for a bit and check your blog when I have time....I'm a mom too so not always a lot of that as you well know :) But I have been reading through 30 Lessons for Living and paused at this quote just this morning "My life lesson is this: turn yourself from frittering away the day worrying about what comes next and let everything else that you love and enjoy move in."

    I find your photos and words beautiful. Like others have said keep doing you and that will be exactly perfectly wonderful right!

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  17. honestly, your blog is my favourite to read because it's so down-to-earth, honest and real. i don't think you need to do anything differently. it's perfectly you.

    you ARE doing something. you're being a mama and blogging and sharing experience. real life experience, gritty, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful but always truthful. you've made me feel emotions i never knew i could feel just from reading a few paragraphs from someone's everyday. for someone i don't even know. i feel sad for you when you post that you're down and happy for you when you write about your love for your children and your wonderful husband, who seems to be the rock you need and deserve.

    i know me saying this probably won't change much, but as much as i think everyone feels self doubt some time or other, i don't think you realise how wonderful you truly are.

    to me, you're on a mountain and i'm stuck in the valley. it's all about perception and the way others perceive you will more than likely not be the way you see yourself.

    i hope you find some assurance soon.

    sending hugs across the seas. robyn xx


    robynsdenblog.blogspot.com

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  18. I just read mitten strings for God (it was recommend to me i would have never picked it up based on the title). But I found it a really helpful book for a momma. I have three little ones (4, 2 and 4months). I think it's a normal struggle. That book really helped put this in perspective for me!

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  19. dont even say that...youre amazing just the way you are. You dont have to be climbing mountains or traveling the world or writing best selling books. Write in your journal. Write in your blog because to me that makes me more proud that anything. I stayed up until 3 am the other night reading all your blog posts and learning more and more about yourself and your family. You are so lovely and you dont need to do anything about it. Of course, nothing but knowing it. Dont ever feel like youre not enough. I'm moving to ohio in 3 years, maybe one day we'll make pies together and think silly of the days we didn't feel like we were enough.. I continue to grow fonder of you every time you post a beautiful picture on instagram. I dont know what it is about you or your train of thoughts that simply make me feel at peace and wanting to be able to tell you that matter so much. You're never alone and sometimes when I'm reading your stories, I imagine picking flowers with you and just reminding you that it's okay to cry and feel strange at times.. Always feel better...:-)

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  20. Gosh, being a mom is hard. I think that particularly the relentlessness of staying at home can be draining, because you don't get much time to step back and process how things are going. A little one needs something or something needs to be done every moment and it can be difficult to get perspective. I think everyone feels this way. I've really come to look at instagram and blogs almost more as magazines than anything else. Of course, they CAN be a look into someone's "real" life, but oftentimes they aren't. And no matter how "real" someone is, it's not the entire picture. Different people are good at different things. I just think we need to let go of this BS standard like everybody needs to be doing everything. How boring would that be? Are you happy? Is your family happy? Then yes, it's enough! Who gives AF what everyone else thinks? LOL, of course I'm talking to me as much as I'm talking to you, because sometimes I feel the same, but not nearly as much as I used to. I think I've just realized that being home with my kids makes me happy (and of course, that's not the same thing for everybody- I don't want to get into that!!!) and so who cares if it's enough for anybody else because it's enough for me and my husband and my kids......

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    1. I meant my comment to be encouraging. LOL, I just read it and it sounds way intense. Honestly, last night I told my husband, " I just wish I could have a temper tantrum because I need some attention." I just hate that as moms we feel all this pressure to do all the things!

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  21. Gosh, motherhood is crazy isn't it? It's like you want to put your ALL into being a mom. Raising good-hearted, kind children is the most important thing in the world. But then at some point, you look in the mirror, and don't recognize yourself. You don't know how to act like the person you were before you were a mom. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's just strange to not know who you are besides 'mama' anymore. That's how I feel sometimes anyway. Writing books, and traveling around the world are AMAZING things, that I hope to do someday (minus the book part ha.) But, for now, while my son is small, being the best mama (and individual person) I can be, IS enough. xo

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  22. Remember, a lot of people are looking at your Instagram pictures and blog posts thinking "wow, she is standing on top of the mountain smiling!" We are hardest on ourselves. We forget that the way we look at other moms/women, is the same way those moms/women look at us? You're fantastic.

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  23. Just wanted to let u know that I look at all of your pictures on Instagram and get inspired! You have three little ones and your home is amazing! One of my New Years resolution is to do better keeping things in order and that was inspired by you! Many people thing that you are amazing! Happy weekend :)

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  24. I'm having an identity crisis of sorts also. A lot of the same feels, I don't do enough, why don't I have an awesome business, blah blah. I'm struggling a ton right now especially because my kids are getting older and it's scary and it feels different, they need me less, I'm not sure what my next move will be, but just living sounds nice. Like I said the other day to someone 'can't we all just be people', that might not make any sense but it made so much sense to me at the time. You know I love the shit out of you, and I so enjoy this blog! :)

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  25. Thou Shalt Not Compare Yourself to Strangers on the Internet.
    Just don't do it!!

    XO

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  26. I don't usually comment on blog posts in general because I lack the time, but I can't help it here. Your self worth is something you have to come to understand as valuable regardless of what you do or don't do and it has nothing to do with what other people are doing. We all struggle there. But about the blog ... Take this as a compliment, you have how many followers on Instagram? Ask them questions. Ask them what they'd like to know. I'd bet half the farm a good chunk of your followers would love to design their homes with more intention. They gravitate to the look you're cultivating. Tell them how you did it. How you developed the tastes you do. Were they always this way or have you evolved as a homemaker. How do you go about planning your space? Is it with intent or do you wait until inspiration strikes? I could keep going but I won't. I'm not trying to intrude. I find the look you have cultivated and are working on to be quite fascinating. What influenced you? People read blogs and follow accounts that satisfy something for THEM. If they're there to gawk, then you don't need them. Think about why folks are following you, sit with it a while and the questions you'd have if you were one of them will develop. It would keep your blog posts full for a year at least. :) Carry on, mama.

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  27. I was kinda amazed that you too feel this way sometimes. Like you're one of the mamas that I might feel has it all figured out just like the mamas you see on Instagram and wonder how they do it. Oh, I'm not meaning to say I'm glad you feel down on yourself ever, I'm just relieved to hear I'm truly not alone, that it feels that way sometimes for everyone really.. And finding your worth again is a process but it's always possible and always meaningful to reclaim. Just grateful for your corner of his web, for what you share and who you are. Many thanks.

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  28. You're perfect. Your strengths are not others strengths and others might not be yours. Everyone has insane amounts to offer to the world and their kids and each course and journey will be entirely different. ❤️ Sending love to you Kristen. You have a lot to offer and an abounding amount of worth.

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  29. Omg! This is my story- every month since my daughter was born 5 years back!!!! And now i have a 9 months old baby boy too! But this stresseful story of not being able to do stuff is still the same! I crave like hell to open a kiddy store, to write a book , to open my cafe! And then all i end up is being nothing. Just a mom. Its such a suffocating feeling within. But i guess the smiles and hugs from my kids changes that n i feel i need to be with them. Just them. Right now, i just need to be mom. So.... The story continues.

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  30. Thank you for sharing those thoughts. You truly spoke to the way I feel sometimes when I forget to not compare myself to others. It can be so hard to remember to just follow and enjoy your own path in this great adventure we call "life." Sometimes we can't help but notice someone else's path when they have built a big highway with flashing billboards right beside our own quaint trail and then we start comparing. However rest assured, our path will always meander and we'll find ourselves back in the wondrous forest exploring new things and remembering what truly makes us happy.

    Okay, I'm going to stop speaking in metaphors now...
    Also, please don't ever make this blog full of too many how-to's and "perfect" recipes. Getting a glimpse into a REAL life, seeing your day-to-day, hearing your thoughts, and reading about whatever YOU feel like posting are the best kinds of blogs. I find myself becoming disinterested in blogs when they become too.....unreal? If you know what I mean.

    Anyway, I hope this day finds you feeling joy in everything you do. =)

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  31. Kristen, My goodness! I haven't read a blog, anyone's blog, in ages but its nap time and Im wasting time on my actual big girl computer and here I am! I am so glad I thought to click over here, from my favorites list. So many good things! You take such wonderful, every day in the moment photos. Of your life, of your kids, of those squishy baby parts that everyone in instagram land loves to love on. It was so fun getting more of a peek inside your life other than from IG. That birthday wallpaper, LOVE, so sweet! What a great memory and I love that you write her letters every year. I can't imagine how special that will be someday, it gives me goosebumps and makes me want my own daughter too. I love your kitchen and how bright/clean it looks (from this side of things of course). Its beautiful and I can't imagine how much more so it will be when its finished! You have such a good eye for pretty things. I love your sunny yellow bathroom too...how can your day not turn around after a morning spent in there? Anyway, loved seeing some more of your life on here.
    And then I got to this post just now and I had to stop. I don't usually leave comments because its rare enough that I have time to actually READ through a post but I couldn't not. Kristen, you are so brutally honest and I love that! Seriously. So many of my "favorite bloggers" have become less so over the last ten years because I just can't relate to perfect homes/families/expensive clothes/vacations every month. What life is that? Its not. But for some reason my heart clicks with you and your posts, even just on IG. I think everything you said is true for so many people, obviously evidenced by how many took the time to also leave long comments. How awesome is that?
    My SIL likes to reference her life in "seasons" because she has a tendency to want to have too many spoons in the pot (big spoons) and also has seven children (and one on the way). I've learned a lot from that way of thinking. There are seasons for everything, yes? I feel like almost all of my friends with children are working and have that in common. Often, even though theres nothing Id rather do than be home with James, I feel left out and like what Im doing every day doesn't amount to much. Silly. But true feelings regardless. Or like you said, every mom on IG/internet has an awesome blog, makes recipes/do it yourselfs, etc. and how are they all getting book deals too? Or why is their house so perfect and mine isn't? I am constantly disappointed with the way my house looks and we just moved this summer! To a really nice, big house that was a hundred years newer than my old one! And yet Im still letting myself feel dissatisfied when i really need to kick myself and be grateful. Ugly carpet or not! ;) This social media world is a crazy place. I just sometimes have to take a step back and remember that what I'm doing now is the season Im in. That there will be other seasons later on for a part time job at the old greenhouse I loved to work at on summer evenings or time to sit down and write more maybe? Or turn my blog back on? Because I had one child and couldn't even keep up with that!! I don't know how other moms do it some days and then I feel all guilty because I do only have one and I can't even type a blog post, haha. Does that even make sense?

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  32. (sorry, my comment was too long for one box! Yikes!)

    I think its hard to find where you fit in when there seems to be so many moms fitting in and finding their niches so easily. I really think that all the time, every time I sign on to IG. I mean, seven months ago I bought a box full of yarn and told my husband I was going to make baby hats to sell online. SEVEN months and I only just finished making them and putting it all together so I could share it with everyone on IG. Hopefully something comes from it, even if its a small something or I only end up selling what I've already made. But some days I wake up and think, everyone is already doing this!! whats the point?! But I try to remind myself that the point is that its therapeutic for me as a person, and a mom, who wants a house full of babies and can't quite seem to make that happen and knitting these little hats for other mama's to give to their babies makes some sort of sense in my heart and in the end it doesn't matter whether anyone likes them or not! The process is helping me regardless.
    Anyways, this is getting terribly long winded and off topic but I just had to say, I think you have a beautiful outlook on life and being a mom. Your children will read these everyday moments of yours and feel so close to you. And maybe this is just the season you're in right now, being a mom and absorbing all these moments for them. At least, thats how I feel right now in my life! :) But I will say, if you ever right a book I will be the first in line! Seriously.
    Thank you for writing such an honest and open post. Its nice to know the thoughts rattling around in my head are sometimes the same for someone else too. <3 Renee

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  33. I know i'm late to the party -but i run myself ragged feeling the same way! And one day my friend told me 'shell - you are that momma/woman that everyone looks at and says 'how does she do it?' Fulltime job, cubscout momma, room momma, team momma, pto board member, etc etc etc'

    I list all those as a point that its what we THINK we need to do, when really we just need to do the things we love. I've been saying no to A LOT of things - even within those things i already do. If i luv it i do it if i dont i dont. I think a lot comes with age (i'll b 40 this year) but i also had a dr. Suess quote pop in my head when my friend told me that 'noone can be you'er than you!' And everytime I start to feel those feelings of inadequacy i think of that quote and ask myself 'is this me?' If it is - i do it if not - i say 'sorry i cant' and then banish those thots and feelings. I constantly have to repeat to myself. 'Noone can be me'er than me' and i think the weather does have a lot to do with it!

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