self worth and some photos

today has been pretty stressful. let me rephrase that - i have been really stressful. my husband even told me so earlier tonight. i'm not sure what my deal is, really. i guess i have been struggling with self worth lately. i mean, that's no excuse to be a stressful person, but maybe that's the reason anyhow. i am trying to figure out where i fit. is being a mother enough? am i supposed to be working towards something else? something just for me? or should i stop asking that question and just live. i feel such a pressure to keep up with other women. like so and so are off doing something wonderful AND being a mom. women are starting businesses and writing books while mothering and i get down on myself because i think why can't i do it all? why is it too much for me? it is especially hard when i open instagram on an exceptionally stressful day and see things other women are posting. on those days, it seems as if they are standing on top of a mountain wearing big smiles and i am stuck in a valley shouting up, "hey! what about me?!" ... it feels so insecure and childish to admit, but feelings are feelings are feelings. and maybe that's the thing - maybe i need to give my feelings a rest and stop worrying so much about what other women are doing and just be okay with whoever i am. 

it hit me today that i will probably never have a blog that has all of these how to's and recipes and it won't all be perfectly so and that's okay. it is. no one says i have to fit that mold. i can be whatever kind of writer and picture taker that i want to be. it is okay. i can just be here in my own little corner and talk about emotions and humanness. i love that stuff. and of course the occasional how to and recipe and what nots ... because those things are really great. but honestly, im just learning as i go just like everyone else. 

 i just think it is so important to not feel alone in this womanhood thing. to remember that we are all worthy of great things.  

well, im off to lay next to my husband and hug him because i am sorry for being stressful. i don't wanna be. here's to doing better. good night. xo. 

these are just some photos i took while putting laundry away today. i don't know, it was just a really good part of my day. 

wolf + ru's shared nursery

so, we have been busy making some changes over here. up until now, our finished basement has housed all of our toys and i won't lie, it gets really crazy down there ... most days, i just shut the door and pretend like the mess isn't a real thing ... but it is real. so real. and it drives me freaking crazy. 

our upstairs has four bedrooms. when we first bought the house, we thought, "great!" everyone will have their own room. it has been great, but it needed tweaked a bit. i am not a fan of having toys in the living room. we do have some because that just happens when you live in your house and your toddler likes to play with trains while he watches a show about trains. .. anyway, i knew i hated having them all in the basement, but also knew i didn't want them in the living room ... so i decided to move the boys together in one room and use the spare as a play room. wolf and ru are using eleanor's old room because it is the biggest room and eleanor is taking ru's old room and wolfgang's room will be the play room. eleanor's room is next up for a makeover. we just recently ordered some wall paper and i just cannot wait to put it up. she is also going to pick out a chandelier to replace the gigantic ceiling fan that currently occupies the room. 

so, for the past couple of days, i have been busy moving furniture and swapping closets to create a shared nursery for my boys. last friday, i found this beautiful spindle bed for wolfgang at an estate sale. it was only $30! i couldn't resist. he isn't sleeping in it yet and is still in the crib in his old room for the time being. rufus is still sleeping with us, but we have plans to sleep train him within the next month. i am really hoping and believing that both boys will be sleeping in the new room by springtime! wish us luck!

i won't lie, it sort of bothers me that all of the furniture doesn't match and maybe i'll work on changing that at some point, but mostly ... im like, whatever. :) 

now, a few things about their space:

the painted wooden cow and pig hanging above wolfgang's dresser was made by my grandpa and hung on my walls when i was little.

the quilt ru is laying on was made by his great aunt. it was his welcome to the world gift. 

the rocking chair belonged to my grandma's grandpa. 

ru's gramma made him the fuzzy duckling book he is playing with. 

i love having things in a room that have history and meaning. stay tuned for a peek at el's new room, the playroom and kitchen makeover!

snow day ... shop darling clementine

we just came inside from playing in the snow. when i opened my eyes and looked outside this morning, i knew eleanor would be asking immediately, "mama! mama! can we play outside?!" ... and that she did. so we bundled up and headed out. i sipped on some cocoa and took about a billion photos, naturally ... it was so fun. some of my happiest memories from childhood were snow days. there is something so magical about snow. 

 anyway, the real reason i am here is because this month, i curated for darling clementine, my friend lindsay's shop. i chose some of my favorite items (so hard!) and you can find them on the side bar of her site. she has also offered my readers a 15% discount off site wide for the entire month of january! all you have to do is enter the code "oldjoy" at check out. everything in her shop is wonderful and she sells some of my favorite baby items, like the solly baby wrap and natursutten pacifier ... in these photos, rufus is wearing some new mittens from her shop and they crack me up ...  they are the kind that are attached by a string and go through the coat. ive always wanted a pair like that for one of my babes and i am absolutely smitten with them. he could hardly move being all bundled up like that, but he was as happy as a clam to be out there with big sis and brother ...

now i am off to make these kiddos some snow ice cream and spend the rest of our day watching movies in our pjs. 

 ... happy sunday!

yesterday

i have been feeling a bit "in it" lately. when i was little, if my brothers and i were being quiet or off, my dad would ask us what we are working out in our heads ... and i guess that's been me lately. 

it really began on friday at eleanor's school christmas program. i sat in the middle of what seemed like a million folding chairs in the gymnasium. it was dark and all you could hear between songs were whispering parents and the squeaking sound a tennis shoe makes against the floor when a little kid changes sitting positions ... i sat there alone, scanning the room for eleanor. i knew she was in there, but as soon as i locked eyes with her and she gave me a big, smilely wave, it was only then that my heart began to beat a bit slower ... she was safe. the fifth graders began to play carol of the bells on their xylophones and my head went somewhere. suddenly i knew exactly who i am and who i have always been ... and i missed everyone i had ever known ... my nostalgia slowly flooded that room. i was a little kid again. it's amazing how much we lose of ourselves once becoming parents ... maybe i shouldn't say lost - but forgotten ... so then i caught myself scanning the room again, only searching for the seven year old version of myself. i wanted to walk up to her, tap her on the shoulder and scoop her up and hug her until we became one again. because i miss her ... her innocence and curiosity. her patience and hope. 

yesterday morning, i woke up still yearning for myself. my bedroom was always such an important and safe place for me growing up. i spent most of my days sitting on the floor of my bedroom, looking at my things and listening to music or just sitting there ... 

i hadn't officially made this room in our new house mine yet. sure it has my things in it, but gosh i hadn't even put a stereo or a record player in it yet. the record player along with all of my favorite records are sitting on top of some boxes in our basement ... and i hadn't gotten around to painting yet either. the color was like a blueish gray and yea it's okay, but on a dark, rainy day, it is sort of fluorescent in color and i just wasn't feeling it ... so yesterday, i began the process of adding kristen to my bedroom. i painted the walls a soft white and ordered a new bed frame. the record player will be moving up soon ... and my days during quiet time hours will be all about me ... im gonna worry less about what needs done around the house during those hours and just focus on who i am and what i need .. it will be good. 

here are some photos that i took throughout the day. we stayed home all day and it was so nice. my favorite kind of day. 

*paint for bedroom is du jour by valspar and you can see my new bed frame here  ... also, ru's adorable bunny ears came in the mail yesterday and it had us all "awwwwing" you can find that hat here

p.s. i want to thank my readers for following along here. i haven't been feeling very confident lately on social media and often times worry too much about what i post on instagram, but i never feel that way about this space. it feels so safe to me. it feels like me. and i love that. xo

p.s.s. below are some photos of the seven year old me