i have been feeling a bit "in it" lately. when i was little, if my brothers and i were being quiet or off, my dad would ask us what we are working out in our heads ... and i guess that's been me lately.
it really began on friday at eleanor's school christmas program. i sat in the middle of what seemed like a million folding chairs in the gymnasium. it was dark and all you could hear between songs were whispering parents and the squeaking sound a tennis shoe makes against the floor when a little kid changes sitting positions ... i sat there alone, scanning the room for eleanor. i knew she was in there, but as soon as i locked eyes with her and she gave me a big, smilely wave, it was only then that my heart began to beat a bit slower ... she was safe. the fifth graders began to play carol of the bells on their xylophones and my head went somewhere. suddenly i knew exactly who i am and who i have always been ... and i missed everyone i had ever known ... my nostalgia slowly flooded that room. i was a little kid again. it's amazing how much we lose of ourselves once becoming parents ... maybe i shouldn't say lost - but forgotten ... so then i caught myself scanning the room again, only searching for the seven year old version of myself. i wanted to walk up to her, tap her on the shoulder and scoop her up and hug her until we became one again. because i miss her ... her innocence and curiosity. her patience and hope.
yesterday morning, i woke up still yearning for myself. my bedroom was always such an important and safe place for me growing up. i spent most of my days sitting on the floor of my bedroom, looking at my things and listening to music or just sitting there ...
i hadn't officially made this room in our new house mine yet. sure it has my things in it, but gosh i hadn't even put a stereo or a record player in it yet. the record player along with all of my favorite records are sitting on top of some boxes in our basement ... and i hadn't gotten around to painting yet either. the color was like a blueish gray and yea it's okay, but on a dark, rainy day, it is sort of fluorescent in color and i just wasn't feeling it ... so yesterday, i began the process of adding kristen to my bedroom. i painted the walls a soft white and ordered a new bed frame. the record player will be moving up soon ... and my days during quiet time hours will be all about me ... im gonna worry less about what needs done around the house during those hours and just focus on who i am and what i need .. it will be good.
here are some photos that i took throughout the day. we stayed home all day and it was so nice. my favorite kind of day.
*paint for bedroom is du jour by valspar and you can see my new bed frame here ... also, ru's adorable bunny ears came in the mail yesterday and it had us all "awwwwing" you can find that hat here
p.s. i want to thank my readers for following along here. i haven't been feeling very confident lately on social media and often times worry too much about what i post on instagram, but i never feel that way about this space. it feels so safe to me. it feels like me. and i love that. xo
p.s.s. below are some photos of the seven year old me
You always know just what to say. I've been "in it" sometimes, I think, I live "in it". But moments of clarity - where you JUST know, those are so precious. A little overwhelming, sure, but therapeutic, nonetheless. I love that you repainted your bedroom, for you. It's important. I haven't done so, because the color in my room isn't "bad"... but I can feel it. Everything is looking beautiful. Love and hugs, mama.
ReplyDeleteKristen, I loved your description of the moments before the Christmas program. Moments like those are thrilling yet disconcerting in their clarity. Perhaps the awareness of being quietly alone with others heightens our sense of self and surroundings. One of my favorite quotes is from Lucy Gayheart by Willa Cather, "On the drive home Gordon let his sleigh-bells (very musical bells, he had got them to please Lucy) do most of the talking. He knew when to be quiet. Lucy felt drowsy and dreamy, glad to be warm. The sleigh was such a tiny moving spot on that still white country settling into shadow and silence. Suddenly Lucy started and struggled under the tight blankets. In the darkening sky she had seen the first star come out; it brought her heart into her throat. That point of silver light spoke to her like a signal, released another kind of life and feeling which did not belong here. It overpowered her. With a mere thought she had reached that star and it had answered, recognition had flashed between. Something knew, then, in the unknowing waste: something had always known, forever! That joy of saluting what is far above one was an eternal thing, not merely something that had happened to her ignorance and her foolish heart."
ReplyDeleteThe flash of understanding lasted but a moment. Then everything was confused again. Lucy shut her eyes and leaned on Harry’s shoulder to escape from what she had gone so far to snatch. It was too bright and too sharp. It hurt, and made one feel small and lost."
So much good stuff to read here ladies. Love the post, and love the comment Martha Bravo! Beautiful both.
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness! You look just. like. eleanor. like, identical. how sweet!! ♥
ReplyDeleteReally sweet, thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteComposing a powerful case study is much troublesome task than some other works. Ordinarily the most difficult part of a case study writing is to comprehend its substance and its legitimate structure. Furthermore you should keep away from the syntactic slip-ups. In any case, now there are numerous case study essay writing service that accessible on the web, where you can pay somebody to compose it for you. These are proficient scholars with involvement in doing individual papers for bunches of different understudies. Running with a specialist is unquestionably the way for you on the off chance that you need accomplishment without taking the necessary steps for it. Now it is easy to submit the writing works on time with the help of writing services.
I love your "simple" style and you have the most beautiful family. I have one son now (8 months old) and recently started to work part time to stay at home with him more. What types of activities did you do with your little ones when they were less than 1 or walking age? I find myself bored at home or we play the same games/toys all the time. And lastly, do you have a tv? I am just curious :)
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling so well. And I love how much your daughter looks like you!! I also love Wolfgang's little eye...my son has the same ptosis in his eyelid. He's 5, and just had his second surgery (and may need a third soon, sadly). He was a bit self conscious of his eyelid before his recent surgery (it drooped back down overnight and was REALLY droopy. Like, covering his pupil. The fact that it happened so suddenly made him super self conscious of it, and it broke my mama heart ). I might have just scrolled through to show him how adorable you son is (he loves babies) and then later pointed out Wolfgang's eye and how cute it was (I hope that's okay!). I think it helped my son realize that people don't notice his eye as much as he thinks they do. Babies buying up babies. So sweet.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing this. at only twenty-three i'm feeling this too, nostalgia for my childhood. i have this horrible feeling i didn't appreciate enough. i feel like i can't fully enjoy "now" until i accept that those years are gone and i can't change them, but it's nice to remember them sometimes :)
ReplyDeleteyour eleanor looks just like you <3
You were such a sweet child, and you still are. Happy holidays!
ReplyDeleteI love the pics of yourself! So much Eleanor in you! Hope you are feeling better this week. Xo
ReplyDeletei've been feeling that draw to reconnect me 'me'. how your own sense of identity changes and evolves through life in general and mothering in particular is pretty amazing! i loved that you reclaimed a sense of space, have been thinking of ways to do that too!
ReplyDeletei love your emotional honesty, it's very brave!
thanks for sharing
I can totally relate to how you are feeling, and it's absolutely okay to feel that way. You have no idea how much your posts on Instagram brighten up my dreary days! And your blogposts are just so relatable. It feels nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling how I feel a lot of the times!
ReplyDeleteAny vinyl record recommendations? :)
ReplyDelete