my world.

for the past few days i have been carrying around my camera and taking photos. i am by no means a professional photographer, but i am actually quite smitten with these shots. .. probably because i am absolutely, head over heels, in love with the people in these photos. my whole world right here ... my reason for happiness. 

brothers

after nearly two weeks, wolfgang has finally decided to accept rufus as part of this family ... even more so ... now he is a little obsessed. often times i will find him hovered over the bassinet, tickling his feet or patting his belly ... he points to his nose and mouth and ears and quickly understood that poking his little eyes is a no no. watching this love between these two little humans unfold is such a magical thing ... and as their mama, it is more beautiful than i could ever put into words. 

earlier today, wolfgang was roaming from room to room eating a popsicle ... once he realized that baby and i were hanging out on the big bed, he had to join in. he climbed up and immediately began to interact with rufus, or "thus" as he calls him. it was such a sweet scene that i put aside my no popsicles on the bed rule and started taking photos ... so here they are. my boys. my beautiful, beautiful boys. 

hello, rufus

here i am, it is nearly three am and our first night in the hospital ... sleep nursing our brand new babe and trying my darndest to keep my heavy eyes open. we finally made it. he is finally here. 

rufus otto mittler was born monday, august 10, 2015 at 8:43am ... he weighed a whopping 8 pounds 7.6 ounces and is 22 inches long ... my biggest babe yet.he is as sweet as can be and latched onto me almost immediately. so far, he prefers to be in mama's arm and nursing. we are looking forward to being home and developing a new routine as a family of five. as of right now, we are floating on a cloud and in the thick of that sleepy, newborn haze. ... and we are just so, so happy. 

what's in my hospital basket?

for baby boy//

1. some newborn diapers ... we like pampers swaddlers. 
2. a soft cotton muslin blanket ... i found a three pack of cotton muslin oversized table napkins in sage green at home goods and they will make the perfect swaddling blankets for a teeny tiny babe. they were $5.99 ... i couldn't believe my luck. 
3. a heavy knit blanket in case the hospital room is a bit cold. i got mine here
4. a couple classic white onesies, some cozy pants and some fuzzy white socks. 
5. an outfit to come home in. his sweet gown is from chasing windmills and his knit hat was handmade by my IG friend, jessica. she is amazing. you can see her work here
6. a natursutten pacifier, although chances are i will not be using it at the hospital. if he struggles latching on to me at first, i will not use it ... i will not want to cause any nipple confusion which will result in a more difficult time getting started with breastfeeding. (just my experience)

for mama //

1. a small bag of toiletries ... shampoo, face wash, lotion, toothbrush, maxi pads ... i will not be packing any makeup because this mama just don't have time for that. :)
2. nursing sleep bras. i got mine here
3. bamboo nursing pads. i got these with wolfgang and they held up nicely. so soft. 
4. lanolin nipple cream. i have some left over from wolfgang, but probably won't need it at the hospital because i have found it takes about a week before your nipples become sore. (but i will bring just in case)
5. some hanes her way granny panties. because, well, you know. 
6. a pair of cozy leggings, my husband's v-neck white tees and warm socks. 
7. a soft robe
8. my phone and phone charger, of course!
9. my laptop for late night netflix ... especially since my husband won't be staying with me this time. 
10. and lastly, my belly bandit. you guys ... i love this thing. i put it on almost immediately after having babies and i think it works amazingly. even if it doesn't actually help shrink your midsection (although, i think it does), it prevents you from feeling frumpy and squishy. i wear it until it is too big ... that generally takes about four weeks for me. 

so, there you have it! i'm a simple gal and we also live two minutes from the hospital, so if i find i need something, my husband can always run and grab it for me ... we are due in five days and ready to go! come on, baby boy!

eleanor asked me why i was crying and i said, "no reason, baby." and then she took this photo. so, yes, those are teardrops on my belabumbum nightie. 

with every pregnancy i gain about thirty pounds and by the end i just cannot wait to be skinny again ... i feel so self conscious to have my photo taken and think, "god, i look so gross and ugly" or i will think to myself that i actually do not look like that ... it's just the angle or whatever ... but, this IS what i look like and that IS okay. carrying a baby is a beautiful thing. i am doing a beautiful thing with my body. i should embrace it. forever and always. xo. 

on not always doing your best

today i walked around my house with a broken heart. it wasn't broken, it just felt like it was. if given the option, i would have gladly said yes to curling up into the fetal position and sobbed all the way to bedtime. i didn't do my best today. i didn't even try. it really bothers me when people say, "well, such and such didn't go well, but at least you are doing your best." i think that's bullshit. for the most part as a human and mother, yes, i give it my all ... but sometimes, i just don't. i see a short line for the emotional roller coaster and shit ... i hop right on. tears flowing, wind in my hair, screaming all the way up and all the way down. meanwhile, my kids are sitting on a bench waiting for me ... eating god knows what and probably falling down and slamming their fingers in doors. this is honest. this is life. 

now that they are tucked away in their beds ... i cry some more because damn it, kristen ... tomorrow you gotta get it together. no excuses. i know that most of my highs and lows right now are because i am full term in my pregnancy and just ready for this baby to get here. it is so hard to move around right now and to keep up with my kiddos. i wouldn't trade this time for anything in the whole world, but that doesn't change the fact that it IS hard... they have been so patient with me. today eleanor saw i was crying, yet again, and she drew me a picture of the five of us. new baby right there in my arms. it was so innocent and wonderful and sweet. and later, i let them play outside a bit and wolfgang strutted up to me carrying the teeniest white flower i have ever seen. he handed it to me and then scurried away... they were doing their best today because i couldn't. i truly believe that ... that is what makes us a team. what makes us family. what makes us very best friends. 

p.s. i apologize for the cursing ... those words basically just typed themselves out. 

and listen to this song. it will mend your broken, but not really broken, heart. 

sunday morning thoughts

i am sitting at my dining room table reflecting this morning.... if all goes as planned, this will be our last sunday living here. our last sunday lazing around this old house. it feels so bitter at times, but for the most part, sweet because i am more than ready to stop living out of boxes and get settled in our new home. that will feel so good. once we are settled, we will welcome our new baby and embrace the changing of seasons ... my favorite season, autumn. our new house has two large maple trees in the front yard and i smile imagining my new baby boy laying in the bassinet while my other two run and jump in those fallen leaves. gosh, how magical that will be ... my photo taking has been a little ech lately because we are living in limbo and this house is far from photogenic right now and i can't wait to take photos of the new place... to feel inspired. to be home. 

here are some photos from the past week or so ... things that make me happy, things i want to remember. 

1. eleanor had ballet camp all last week and always looks so pretty walking around in that pink leotard.

2. carrots from the market. we made pot roast.

3 & 4. wolfgang just looking so cute walking around our backyard munching down on an ice cream cone.

5. picking out a paint color for her dresser.

6. always wearing mama's nightgowns and robe.

7. more ice cream ...

8. we took our last peek at baby boy before his arrival!

9. a naked wolfgang waiting for his bath.

10. still such a baby boy.

11. three of my favorite humans walking hand in hand.

12. every year we go to a fourth of july festival and i let her pick out a new dress to wear.

13. we lost count of how many popsicles he ate at gramma and granddads yesterday.

14. weekend toes with my girl.

15. that day he took two naps. two.

16. stumbled upon some stairway chat as i was carrying up a load of laundry.