carrying a baby

a rumbling tummy and heavy legs.   fits of laughter and long sighs.   anxious moments and sleep interrupted excitement.   worry and waiting.   waiting and worrying.   larger breasts and sore nipples.   clumsiness and crocodile tears.   hearing a heartbeat and fantasizing about a new life.   building a nest and taking long naps.   chasing tiny limbs with your fingers and counting kicks.   smiling at your little ones and telling them a new baby is on the way.   choosing a name and imagining a face.   feeling unworthy and extremely lucky.   worry and waiting.   waiting and worrying.   thankful and eager.   posing for weekly photos and embracing change.   laying and loving.   practicing patience and anticipating that newborn smell.   a little swollen and far too happy to care... carrying a baby. 

"a little baby begins to grow. a happy belly begins to glow." -devendra banhart

dress, leggings and pencil skirt are from storq and i'm in love. xo.

waiting for the rain to pass

i keep thinking that i need to make these posts more organized ... like, be more of an official blogger instead of rambling on about my feelings and posting a hodgepodge of photos. but then i decided that wouldn't be me. that isn't who i am. 

this past week has been a little nuts. we are officially in the packing up our house mode and this place is a wreck. it is driving. me. crazy. our move out date is june 30, so we have two weeks to go through all of our belongings with a fine tooth comb, organize what is left and box it up. it is such an exhausting process ... especially when you are trying to do so while very pregnant and chasing two kids around. also, i just love a clean, sparkly, organized house and knowing that we will be living in this chaos for the remainder of the month makes me all kinds of restless and emotional. as a result, i am left feeling completely and dreadfully uninspired. there hasn't been many photos taken around here lately ... but it's okay because we are moving! we are finally selling our house after fifteen months on the market and moving on. i am so, so happy about that and whenever i find myself weeping in the corner ... i just remind myself of all the good things ahead. a new home to bring a new baby to. it will be SO good. 

... yesterday was my birthday. i turned thirty. officially. i thought maybe when the day came to an end i would feel it, but i didn't. i felt like me. just me. i had a really sweet day with my family. we spent the day loafing around the house and in the afternoon i went to the grocery store alone. i brought home an easy dinner and a strawberry cake with whipped icing. i sat there thinking that i wouldn't change a thing about my life as a thirty year old woman. i thought ... i am thirty. i am thirty one weeks pregnant with my third baby. that realization alone made me smile and feel oh so content. what more could i really ask for? i didn't take any photos of the day and that's just fine. i didn't need to. it was perfect. 

... so here is to waiting for the rain to pass. to living in chaos for a bit until we are settled in our new home... holding our third baby in my arms. feeling nothing but love and thankfulness for this chapter of my life.  

a lavender pregnancy cake recipe

so, as most of you already know ... i am quite pregnant these days. as a result, i crave food all day long and if i do not eat something sweet at some point throughout the day ... i feel incomplete. i knew today was expected to be exceptionally muggy and cloudy outside, so i figured my littles and i wouldn't be doing much. a perfect opportunity to bake a cake, right?! ... i think so. i flipped through my recipe book and decided i would try something new ... something unusual, yet hopefully still delicious. i already have a recipe for lavender cake, so i thought i would tweak it a bit to incorporate pregnancy tea ... it only seemed fitting. :) so, here is what i came up with and i must say, it is rather delicious!

1. make your lavender pregnancy milk

• two pregnancy tea bags (i got mine at the health food store)
• two cups milk
• one and a half tablespoons culinary lavender (also health food store)

add tea bags, milk and lavender in a saucepan and slowly heat ... you want it super hot, but not boiling. quickly bringing milk to a boil can scorch it and you will taste it ... not good.  after hot, remove from heat, cover and steep for about twenty minutes. lastly, strain away lavender and remove tea bags. set your lavender pregnancy milk aside.

2. now you will need to make your cake

• two and one fourth cups cake flour
• two and a half teaspoons baking powder
• one teaspoon salt
• one and one fourth cups sugar
• one stick unsalted butter, room temp
• two large eggs
• two teaspoons vanilla
• two thirds cup lavender pregnancy milk

preheat oven to 350 degrees and prepare two, nine inch round cake pans by greasing, flouring and lining with parchment paper. next, sift flour, baking powder and salt together. set aside. now, in a separate bowl, beat the sugar and butter together. add in one egg and at a time and then add vanilla. finally, add flour mixture and lavender pregnancy milk to sugar mixture ... alternating. start and end with flour mixture. this process takes a bit a time, but it is important that all the ingredients are mixed thoroughly. also, remember to constantly scrape the sides of the pan between add ins. now it is time to bake your cake for about twenty to twenty five minutes ... until a toothpick comes out clean. flip your cakes onto cooling racks.

3. frost that cake!

• half cup solid shortening 
• one stick butter, room temp 
• one teaspoon vanilla
• four cups sifted powdered sugar
• two to three tablespoons lavender pregnancy milk

mix all ingredients together and frost your cake. remember to wait until your cake is completely cooled before slapping on that frosting. decorate however you choose and enjoy!

SIDE NOTE: you do not have to use pregnancy tea for this recipe. if you are not pregnant, simply use a different tea. i think chamomile tea or an orange spice would be rather delicious, too. to learn more about pregnancy tea and what it's all about, go here. also, if you want your cake to have a more bolder taste ... just add another tea bag or two when making your milk. i only used two because i wasn't sure how strong it would be and i didn't want to over do it.

one last thing! your kiddos can also eat this cake! perfectly safe and they will hopefully love it as much as mine did :)

it's okay ...

it's okay to give your baby non organic apples because they cost less money. 

it's okay to let your little ones play naked in a creek and fall down. 

it's okay to lose your temper a little bit and yell. i promise, it's okay. forgive yourself. 

it's okay to never wear makeup. 

it's okay to feel so tired that the dishes have to wait until morning. 

it's okay that you cannot afford to dress your baby in clothes that do not come from a thrift store or target. 

it's okay that whenever you post a photo of yourself, it doesn't get as many likes. it does not mean you are not beautiful. (ahem, i'm talking to you, kristen)

it's okay that your arms are a bit flabby. 

it's okay that you do not get a haircut every six weeks and cover up those grays. 

it's okay to blow off a day of school and go on an adventure instead. 

it's okay to eat a big mac. it really, really is. 

it's okay that you have a diet coke habit that you just can't kick yet. 

it's okay to put on a movie for your little ones so you can browse the internet. 

it's okay to not be the perfect mom. the perfect woman. the perfect human ... it's okay as long as you hug the people you love every chance you get and make it so they never doubt how much they mean to you. 

a saturday reflection

this morning i woke up in an empty bed. this isn't something that happens often. most of the time eleanor is curled up next to me, pulling the covers over her head not to be bothered by the light while daddy gets ready for work. but today, it was just me and the sun. my husband left before dawn to attend a convention in kentucky and eleanor and wolfgang were still tucked away in their beds. i laid there awake for a moment with my hand on my belly, feeling every move my growing baby boy made. i took time to look at myself. how my body has changed after carrying three babies. i held my hand up to the sun and tried to remember what it looked like as a little girl. it's so funny how time moves and changes things without us even realizing.

once i heard the distant "ma ma" calls from wolfgang's room, i pulled myself out of bed and tip toed into his room. he was sitting patiently, waiting for me to scoop him up, open book in hand. i gave him a thousand good morning kisses all over his face and took him downstairs for his morning routine ... a diaper change, yogurt and an episode of sesame street. our boy loves elmo to pieces. he calls him elbo and we will never ever forget the sound of his tiny voice asking for it.

eleanor woke up shortly after and came bouncing loudly down the stairs as she usually does. you can almost bet that the first words to come out of her mouth will be, "good morning, mama! time for breaktest (breakfast)?"

for the remainder of the morning we just hung around the house like sloths ... snacking and cuddling on the couch. we watched a movie and then i put wolfgang down for his nap. 10:30am ... everyday the same time.

when he woke up we hopped in the car to meet grandma for lunch. we ate at a cafe we had never eaten at before and afterwards we went to a greenhouse. we are particularly fond of this greenhouse because it has an area for kids to feed goats and play in the sand. it's a win/win for everyone ... on the way home, we stopped for ice cream and drank lots of water because it was such a hot day.

as i was driving home, we were listening to this song. everyone was riding quietly and i looked into the rear view mirror. there they sat. my two children. they were looking out their windows with dried vanilla ice cream and hot fudge on their faces. they were perfect... i began thinking that for the past eighteen months, my life has been spent solely with them. our every hour has been spent together. our routine down to a science. i guess i hadn't really ever thought about it, ya know ... but we're a team. kristen, eleanor and wolfgang... best friends. life partners.

in ten weeks, we will be adding another little person to our clan. he will have to learn the ropes, that's for sure ... but i know he will slide right in and it will be like he was there with us all along. listening to our music, looking out the car window and living our life.

you pick strawberries for the soul

spend the afternoon picking strawberries with friends. 

when you find yourself driving on a country back road, let your oldest babe hop in the front seat so they can put their arm out the window and feel free. turn the music up and look over at them. let your heart fill with the deepest joy. 

when you get home, let them help you make pie and say "yes" to a little bit more sugar.

let them stay up passed their bedtime to eat spoonfuls of cool whip straight from the container. 

give them an extra long hug before tucking them in and tell them you wouldn't want to live life with anyone else. 

easy strawberry pie:

four pints of strawberries is exactly what you will need to make one pie. 

1. bake a pie shell as directed on box or make one from scratch ... either way, bake and then let cool. 

2. place your chopped berries in the cooled pie crust. 

3. in a small saucepan, bring 1 1/2 cups water, 3/4 cups sugar and 2 tablespoons of cornstarch to a boil. let boil for two minutes. 

4. remove from heat and add one 3 ounce packet of strawberry gelatin. stir until dissolved. 

5. pour over pie and place in the fridge to chill. this will take a couple hours. 

6. add heaping spoonfuls of cool whip and smile with every bite! 

xo. 

motherhood, a loneliness

we have been completely out of sync lately. well, i would say since we got back from vacation. these last few weeks of home school are dragging on and eleanor often refuses to start school. every morning i wake up and think to myself, "please be a good day. try to be patient." we have found that disciplining a seven year old is quite challenging. arick and i do not practice spanking and time out just doesn't work for her anymore. so, these times when she becomes combative or flat refuses to listen to me ... i am at a loss. it doesn't help that i am beginning to feel super pregnant and easily worn out. i have been going to the bathroom, closing the door and weeping ... thinking, "okay, what can i do? how can i make her obey?" and to be honest, i just don't know. today i took one of her toys away and she laughed at me. as i was sobbing, she laughed. as a mother, as a human ... i felt completely defeated. i know that she is just growing a lot right now and she will begin to regress because a new baby is on the way ... so, i will practice patience everyday and we will get through it. we love each other and sometimes relationships of any kind are just so hard. but they are worth it .... she has been crawling in bed with me in the middle of the night and i hold her so tight because it is just about the only time we have lately to truly show love for another ... in the most natural way ... i have began to cherish it so much. 

wolfgang has also been going through a change. he has officially entered toddlerhood and oh, man ... he keeps me busy. if he isn't climbing on top the table or trying to crawl down the basement steps, he is throwing a mighty tantrum.

...

someone once told me that motherhood is the loneliest thing in the whole world. when i was little, my mother stayed home with me and my brothers ... it was just the four of us all day while my dad worked. when my dad got home, we ate dinner and did the whole traditional family thing. well, at night ... my dad would leave again to go hunting. raccoon hunting. my mother and him often fought about this because she wanted him to stay home instead. as a child, i remember thinking that she was too hard on him. that she should just leave him alone and let him have fun ... well, now as i sit here ... a thirty year old mama with two children and one more away ... i finally understand. she was just lonely. i love motherhood ... oh my gosh, absolutely and i wouldn't trade it for anything else ... but on these really hard times ... being at home all day, everyday, alone with your babies ... it can feel so lonely. i have these moments when neither child is obeying and the house is so stressful and i can't keep up with a darn thing ... all i want is someone ... anyone ... to knock on my door and give me a hug. to just hold me for a few moments and whisper, "it's okay. everything is okay." like, if someone could acknowledge that we are struggling, i am struggling, that would somehow makes things better because i wouldn't be alone in it. 

arick and wolfgang took eleanor to ballet today, so i could have two whole hours alone in this house. i knew that if i could just be by myself for a bit, i could look back on things and find happiness. find myself. you know sometimes i think kristen is hiding in the woodwork. if i can myself, then maybe the loneliness will go away. 

so, i found a few things that gave me the deep breath i needed. things that make me happy. things i often do not see in moments of frustration and the loneliness of motherhood. 

1. i heard giggling in the bathroom and walked in on them rolling around and jumping up and down on my bed ... things that make me happy. a reminder that the good outweighs the bad. 

2. a snoozing wolfgang on his baby brother. something to cherish forever and ever and ever ... 

3. a letter from my husband. something kept tucked away in my drawer to read ... on those lonely times.