we have been completely out of sync lately. well, i would say since we got back from vacation. these last few weeks of home school are dragging on and eleanor often refuses to start school. every morning i wake up and think to myself, "please be a good day. try to be patient." we have found that disciplining a seven year old is quite challenging. arick and i do not practice spanking and time out just doesn't work for her anymore. so, these times when she becomes combative or flat refuses to listen to me ... i am at a loss. it doesn't help that i am beginning to feel super pregnant and easily worn out. i have been going to the bathroom, closing the door and weeping ... thinking, "okay, what can i do? how can i make her obey?" and to be honest, i just don't know. today i took one of her toys away and she laughed at me. as i was sobbing, she laughed. as a mother, as a human ... i felt completely defeated. i know that she is just growing a lot right now and she will begin to regress because a new baby is on the way ... so, i will practice patience everyday and we will get through it. we love each other and sometimes relationships of any kind are just so hard. but they are worth it .... she has been crawling in bed with me in the middle of the night and i hold her so tight because it is just about the only time we have lately to truly show love for another ... in the most natural way ... i have began to cherish it so much.
wolfgang has also been going through a change. he has officially entered toddlerhood and oh, man ... he keeps me busy. if he isn't climbing on top the table or trying to crawl down the basement steps, he is throwing a mighty tantrum.
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someone once told me that motherhood is the loneliest thing in the whole world. when i was little, my mother stayed home with me and my brothers ... it was just the four of us all day while my dad worked. when my dad got home, we ate dinner and did the whole traditional family thing. well, at night ... my dad would leave again to go hunting. raccoon hunting. my mother and him often fought about this because she wanted him to stay home instead. as a child, i remember thinking that she was too hard on him. that she should just leave him alone and let him have fun ... well, now as i sit here ... a thirty year old mama with two children and one more away ... i finally understand. she was just lonely. i love motherhood ... oh my gosh, absolutely and i wouldn't trade it for anything else ... but on these really hard times ... being at home all day, everyday, alone with your babies ... it can feel so lonely. i have these moments when neither child is obeying and the house is so stressful and i can't keep up with a darn thing ... all i want is someone ... anyone ... to knock on my door and give me a hug. to just hold me for a few moments and whisper, "it's okay. everything is okay." like, if someone could acknowledge that we are struggling, i am struggling, that would somehow makes things better because i wouldn't be alone in it.
arick and wolfgang took eleanor to ballet today, so i could have two whole hours alone in this house. i knew that if i could just be by myself for a bit, i could look back on things and find happiness. find myself. you know sometimes i think kristen is hiding in the woodwork. if i can myself, then maybe the loneliness will go away.
so, i found a few things that gave me the deep breath i needed. things that make me happy. things i often do not see in moments of frustration and the loneliness of motherhood.
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1. i heard giggling in the bathroom and walked in on them rolling around and jumping up and down on my bed ... things that make me happy. a reminder that the good outweighs the bad.
2. a snoozing wolfgang on his baby brother. something to cherish forever and ever and ever ...
3. a letter from my husband. something kept tucked away in my drawer to read ... on those lonely times.
I hear you Kristen. It is lonely and I think more so now than in the past because we don't have that sense of community that others seem to have. A lot of us don't even know our neighbors. I remember launching into a full length conversation with the check out girl at the fruit shop oblivious to her surprise and then realizing afterward that she was the first adult person who had connected with me all day, stranger or otherwise. It helps to get into some social group on a regular basis like a mothers group or even with other homeschooling moms. It takes you out of the spiraling depths and gets you to just catch a glimpse of things outside and gives perspective. If nothing at all, you can laugh with another about shared mistakes and mishaps. Hugs to you. You're doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteI wish we were neighbors
ReplyDeleteCan I come visit? My littles are no longer littles and I miss it so much. I'll bring the coffee. And yes-such a tough time. Mine are now 21 and 23-two sons who don't need me much. I love the men that they have become and I long for just a day of how things used to be when we would sit around and read books and not have to be anywhere at all. (former homeschooling mama)
ReplyDeletethis post really nails it. i love you. you're in my thoughts daily.
ReplyDeleteI don't read blogs often but I came accross yours after discovering your IG account. Your writing is open and from the heart. I'm not sure what else to write which hasn't already been written above but I wish I had neighbours like you all. I struggle with mothers groups so gave up on them. I find instagram my "me time". Having been in the workforce for over 10 years and then abrubtly stopping to become a sahm I found it so hard. I miss the conversation with work colleagues. Gone are the days when I could have an actual intellectual conversation. I talk the ears off strangers and our friends when they pop over to drop things off for my husband. I'm sure they all think I've lost my mind. I haven't had an hour to myself for over 18 months. I no longer receive a wage for my work, collect superannuation or am shown recognition for the work I do. I cherish every moment with my daughter because I know I won't be this lucky forever. But gosh I wish I used my 'me' time before I had kids more wisely. I wish I had someone like you where we could pop over to one anothers houses, let our kids play and learn together, go on adventures and photograph the simplicity and beauty of an everyday moment.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to reading your future posts Kristen
This is lovely and sad. I felt very much the same with my son, and I still do. I don't think it ever really goes away, but there are things that remedy it. Having an interest that is just yours helps, as impossible as that may seem with small children. Having one day--or even one afternoon!--every few weeks, that is YOUR day. It's strange..you wouldn't think time spent with yourself could remedy loneliness, but it can. I think as mother's, we miss ourselves and don't even know it. Lastly, keep reaching out to the world around you. That one is super-important. <3
ReplyDelete❤️
ReplyDelete"Confident Parents Remarkable Kids" it's a book giving me a whole new perspective on my 8yr old who pushes every boundary. ❤️
ReplyDeleteSweets. I know this all too well, which is why I decided to just find happiness for myself and try to breathe...its so hard to explain it but i the lonliness feeling. I too, experience that from time to time...anxiety attacks have gotton worse to the point i almost gave my relationship up and there will be moments like that, too. But finding inner peace and love for yourself and making some kind of time to be alone without children or a hub can be so soothing to the soul. We all need that. We're mothers yes but we're also human who need to be happy.
ReplyDeleteAll the love and big big hugs your way.
Sarah
www.1987blog.com
This brought tears to me. I get you. I have a toddler girl that is exactly like her father- i.e. Defiant. As an adult, harnessed it's a great quality to have. He can make things happen- quickly. People listen to him and respect him. But for me trying to parent it when I am the opposite read: sensitive and somewhat complacent. It's difficult. Throw in a baby, a new house, and the fact that my mother passed away when I was eight and I feel very very lonely too. So glad I got to read this.
ReplyDeleteAnd mama- power through lady! You got this!
This is stunningly raw and real and I felt every moment you described echoed in my own daily life. Thank you
ReplyDeleteThank heavens for your posts... They really hit home.
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