learning to be happy

i would say that for the majority of my life, i have been a negative person. someone who is quick to assume the worst in myself and others. someone who thinks it's too good to be true or nothing good lasts forever. with this way of living, i have made more mistakes than i can count. mistakes that lead to hurting others, as well as myself. it feels vulnerable to speak truth about myself, but i feel as if it is a way for me to really put this flaw out there, so i can work towards really changing it. 

i cannot count the number of times my husband has said to me, "be more positive." i was in this habit of scoffing at him when he would say it because i didn't think of it that way. i would become defensive and claim that i am speaking real life, nothing more. well, that's such bullshit. sometimes ... most times ... maybe, just maybe ... i do need to be more positive. not just for me, but for them. my husband and my children. 

i began thinking, is this how you want your children to be? to live their lives in a state of doom in order to prepare for something bad to happen? or do i want them to be happy ... to see the light in a dark room ... even if it is hidden away in the darkest corner, under a rock. THAT has to be better. being happy has to be better. 

to be honest, the other morning i was snuggled on the couch with my babies watching daniel tiger and it really hit me. he said, "when something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good." yes, that adorable, animated tiger in the red sweater got through to me. sometimes, enlightenment will show itself in the funniest way. 

so, i have a new goal for myself. 

everyday, i will wake up and tell myself these words:

be a light. be warm. be loving. be encouraging. stop finding the ugliness and look for beauty. it's okay to smile all day. that doesn't mean something bad is around the corner. everything is okay. everything is good. 

i used to think that i wasn't worthy of happiness and would deliberately mess up as a way of proving it to myself. or i would think that living in a positive light was for people who never made a mistake. and damn it, that's just not true. a good friend told me this ... "as long as you are waking up everyday and trying your best to be good to yourself and those you love ... you can have happiness." 

everything is okay. life is wonderful. i am happy and i am worthy of it. i'm trying. 

these photos were taken at a local garden ... it was so warm yesterday ... the sun was shining and we wanted to embrace spring and see the blooms. roll in the greener grass. and that is what this about, for me. learning how to water the grass that is my life ... let go, smile and roll around in it. to be happy ... because i have so, so much to be happy about.