preparing for brothers and bits of spring

so far, this spring has been brought so much joy to our little family. my belly is growing bigger each day ... eleanor and wolfgang pile up in my bed and take turns feeling their brother squirm and kick. the windows remain open and the smell of fresh lilacs fills my room. the trees are a neon green and the teepee is on the balcony, allowing my kiddos to get a bit of fresh air while i rest. we haven't spent much time downstairs because we all love my bedroom so much and will truly miss it once we move. it is bright even on the darkest days ... my head will be flooded with beautiful memories of this space once i am old. ... 

next week, we will be headed to florida for the week ... soaking up every bit of sand, ocean and sunshine we can. once we are back home, i plan on beginning wolfgang and the new baby's shared nursery. i have so many ideas in my head and have been pinteresting like crazy. it's oh so exciting ... in order to use the most of our space, eleanor will be taking wolfgang's room and the boys will be taking hers ... she has the bigger room and it has two closets .. ideal for two babies. i am thinking i will paint their room the same color as mine, although my mind isn't completely made up yet. i would really love to keep their space as neutral, simple and light as possible. i never had a changing table with wolfgang, so i do not think i will get one now. ideally, all i want in their room is two identical cribs and a rocking chair. i am still searching for that perfect rug for the center of the floor. i do not plan hanging anything on the walls ... maybe a couple printed instagram photos and a small shelf to hold creams, tiny shoes and what not. of course i plan on filling the room with as many plants as possible. so, i would say my color scheme will be gray, white and greens. 

i know that was bit of a ramble, i apologize ... but honestly that is how my thoughts are right now! i cannot wait to begin and i will most certainly be sharing it all here! xo.

what i like to call ... the sob until your free

some days you have to wake up super early because you have somewhere to be. you run yourself ragged all day long. you have fun, but you do A LOT. you're finally back home and suddenly the exhaustion feels like something that needs to be treated in the ICU. you're hanging on by a thread at this point. emotionally. physically. and truth be told, you have been lingering in a state of still functionable/verge of a breakdown for several hours. you bounce around your home, trying to clean up before bed. you bend down to pick something up off the floor and when you rise ... crack! you hit your head on the corner of the table or whatever. and then you sob. uncontrollably, you sob. it had to happen. it was inevitable and much needed. there is no way you were able to go to bed with that exhaustion lingering in your soul. a release was vital ... it feels as if every organ, every drop of blood, every bit of oxygen ... comes rushing out of you so quickly. it's so invigorating. now you can fall asleep with a wet, puffy face and quick breaths. you're free. 

that was me, today. right now, actually. it's still happening. my experience was a tad different, as i am sure yours has been/will be. my husband just left to get late night chipotle for dinner. the kids are tucked away in their beds and when he gets back with my tacos, i am going to eat them in my bed with tears still streaming down my face. i am going to suck on a can of diet coke between bites and watch tv. i am going to do this until i am free. and then i will sleep. i will sleep long and hard. i will wake up tomorrow, maybe still crying, maybe not. either way. i will be cleansed and ready for a new day. 

if you have this day in the near future, i recommend standing on your porch if it's raining while you release those sobs of exhaustion. there is something about spring rain and tears that just go well together. if not, try sitting on your bed while listening to a good record. like this one. goodnight. xo. 

eleanor isobel

my sweet eleanor isobel has been lost in spring. she has allowed the warm weather and magnolia blooms to carry her away. her imagination has been working overtime and everyday she awakes with an idea to create something new outside or eager to plan a picnic. i love this bright light in her. her youth shining through. her innocence and beauty. but mainly i love her love for life. i admire that so much in her. most people will pass a single dandelion without even noticing it. she will see it from a hundred feet back and go sprinting towards it. she will tell a story of how the dandelion must be so lonely and immediately think of ways to make it feel more loved.

it is truly amazing to watch your children blossom and grow. it's almost as if now, age seven, we are finally seeing eleanor for who she is and who she will become. this wonderful little human who holds everything in her heart. the other day at a stop light, she noticed all of the litter outside and she told me how sad it is that people would be so careless with the earth. but what warmed me the most is that she searched for a reason in her mind to what made them litter to begin with. she wanted to know what could have been troubling them ...

in this short time living amongst her, she has taught me so much about what it means to truly care about others and what is happening around us. things i would have normally overlooked. i feel so proud of her and cannot wait to follow her throughout her journey. her life.

eleanor will randomly snag my phone to play a game ... yesterday she gave it back and as i began scrolling through my photos, i stumbled upon this. her first selfie ... i sobbed. 

nearly eighteen months with you

it's hard to imagine how i could love another little boy as much as i love you because some days, i swear it ... you are the man of my dreams. the boy i have been waiting for my entire life. you are the most gentle soul i have ever met. it is nearly impossible not to be warmed by your presence and no matter where we go, others are drawn to you. your tiny voice saying, "hi" to every person you see. you take time for people. it blows our minds. your little wave and heartfelt smile. it could move mountains. it could end wars. it could change the world. you are truly remarkable. my entire life will be spent with an overflowing love for you. my sweet boy. my wolfgang. 

learning to be happy

i would say that for the majority of my life, i have been a negative person. someone who is quick to assume the worst in myself and others. someone who thinks it's too good to be true or nothing good lasts forever. with this way of living, i have made more mistakes than i can count. mistakes that lead to hurting others, as well as myself. it feels vulnerable to speak truth about myself, but i feel as if it is a way for me to really put this flaw out there, so i can work towards really changing it. 

i cannot count the number of times my husband has said to me, "be more positive." i was in this habit of scoffing at him when he would say it because i didn't think of it that way. i would become defensive and claim that i am speaking real life, nothing more. well, that's such bullshit. sometimes ... most times ... maybe, just maybe ... i do need to be more positive. not just for me, but for them. my husband and my children. 

i began thinking, is this how you want your children to be? to live their lives in a state of doom in order to prepare for something bad to happen? or do i want them to be happy ... to see the light in a dark room ... even if it is hidden away in the darkest corner, under a rock. THAT has to be better. being happy has to be better. 

to be honest, the other morning i was snuggled on the couch with my babies watching daniel tiger and it really hit me. he said, "when something seems bad, turn it around, and find something good." yes, that adorable, animated tiger in the red sweater got through to me. sometimes, enlightenment will show itself in the funniest way. 

so, i have a new goal for myself. 

everyday, i will wake up and tell myself these words:

be a light. be warm. be loving. be encouraging. stop finding the ugliness and look for beauty. it's okay to smile all day. that doesn't mean something bad is around the corner. everything is okay. everything is good. 

i used to think that i wasn't worthy of happiness and would deliberately mess up as a way of proving it to myself. or i would think that living in a positive light was for people who never made a mistake. and damn it, that's just not true. a good friend told me this ... "as long as you are waking up everyday and trying your best to be good to yourself and those you love ... you can have happiness." 

everything is okay. life is wonderful. i am happy and i am worthy of it. i'm trying. 

these photos were taken at a local garden ... it was so warm yesterday ... the sun was shining and we wanted to embrace spring and see the blooms. roll in the greener grass. and that is what this about, for me. learning how to water the grass that is my life ... let go, smile and roll around in it. to be happy ... because i have so, so much to be happy about.

a sweet, drifting wolfgang

we nurse and i sing, "you are my sunshine ..."

he plays with his feet and makes silly noises. i hum. 

he's getting sleepier, so he grabs teddy and rubs his nose.

and he's sleeping ... meanwhile, his growing brother in my belly is kicking his head and i whisper, "shh, you're going to wake up wolfgang."

bliss. 

easter sunday and some thoughts

*at 7:22am we woke up to eleanor jumping up and down on our bed shouting with glee, "it's easter! it's easter!" 

*we scooped up wolfgang from his crib, threw on our robes and headed downstairs where the kiddos had to follow a jelly bean trail to their easter baskets. wolfgang gathered all of the jelly beans in his two tiny fists and gobbled them up in record time, i'm sure. 

*we got a bit fancy and headed to brunch at the racquet club. 

*we drove through the cemetery on our way home and pulled over to take some family photos. this is always a little tough with a toddler who wants down and a little girl who is always pleading, "no photos!" but that's okay. 

*we came home and had some quiet time. the boys napped and the girls relaxed and watched a movie. wolfgang wanted more candy immediately upon waking up. 

*i went to pick up carry out from panera bread and then we took a family walk to the park. 

*now the kiddos are in bed and mama and papa are going to watch some tv and probably fall asleep early. 

it was good day. 

on another note, something i have been wanting to share .... 

today i took a lot of photos. i think it was because i let go of something that has been bothering me. i have been trying to spend less time on my phone which is a good thing, i think ... but i have also been feeling pretty inadequate lately in the social media world. i have been hesitant on what i post and often delete them shortly after because i feel as if the photo isn't good enough. or that i'm not good enough. there are so many women on my feed that are just so darn beautiful. i haven't been feeling that way lately and am afraid to show myself to others. i do not need reassured or told, "you're beautiful." it's just something i am going through. three babies later and turning thirty in two months ... i don't know. it feels really heavy to me some days and i cry a lot. it's just the truth, you know. my thoughts. i AM thankful for my life and i know it is beautiful, but sometimes i get lost in my head ... or i think oh, my photo is too grainy or the contrast isn't right, so i delete it. well, today i decided to TRY my best to let go of that. the photos i take are mine and they may not always be perfect, but i DO love them because of what they are. my children. my life. my everything in a tiny square. i may not be this supermodel mom with perfect hands and a long, lean body, but that's okay. i can still be good enough. my photos can still be good enough. because my life IS good enough. 

*my favorite photo of the day is of eleanor at brunch, turned around in her chair, looking at the easter bunny. gosh, i love it so much. my sweet girl.