late night rambles

often times i scroll through my instagram feed or pinterest and find myself feeling envious. i feel like this is normal, right? social media is great. i love it. i only use instagram and am new to pinterest, but i enjoy it so much. it feels good to be inspired by someone else, but often times dare i say it feels ... icky? discouraging? like, why can't i do that? why don't i look like that? her house is perfect. her life is perfect. her clothes, her stuff, her words ... perfect. it especially feels icky when i am having a shit day. a day when eleanor and i clash at school, wolfgang is fussy, arick and i aren't meshing well and halfway through the day i have secretly locked myself in the bathroom and am sobbing uncontrollably. oh, or the days that i couldn't take a decent photo if a gun was held to my head. my husband tells me that it isn't a big deal and i know it isn't, but it is though. it is because i am home all day everyday and social media is basically my hobby. and yes, i know that no ones life is perfect and it is hard to really know someone's life through a lovely little square and i know that those other women are most likely hiding in their bathrooms crying their eyes out some days, too.  i am smiling now as i type because i just realized that it is all okay. it really is. someone can post a photo of their beautiful, crisp, white, neatly made bed, but directly behind them is a pile of dirty laundry or plastic toys that you cannot see in the photo. and that is what makes it all so sweet. so endearing. we all know it's there. we all know you aren't perfect. but you are still special and human and wonderful and so am i. ahh.

oh and another thing that makes me feel icky.,, photos of me. i know some women on IG who post selfies or photos taken of them often and i freaking love that. their confidence amazes me. i feel so vulnerable. i usually crop my head off or wear a big floppy hat to hide my face. i feel so bad for my husband. i will ask him to take a photo of me and i rarely like it. i love his effort though. it's not his fault. i'm just weird and do not always feel good about the way i look. it's no big deal, it's just who i am. 

eleanor took a photo of me nursing wolfgang and i love it. i feel too weird uploading it to instagram, but i wanted it to be somewhere because one day i will love looking back on it. this is my true self. i hadn't even brushed my teeth yet. my armpits are hairy and smelly and i have dark circles from sleepiness and old mascara. this is what my motherhood looks like. so what that i do not always take the perfect photo or that someone else is better at something than me or that there is a woman out there that has a prettier house. my life is pretty great. maybe i just need to be more thankful. okay. rant over.

P.S. not pictured is a huge pile of dirty clothes and some plastic toys. 

P.S.S. i have the biggest smile on my face right now. thanks for reading this diary of mine. i would hug all of you if i could. goodnight.