9/10/15

postpartum depression

admitting to someone that you are sad is a really hard thing to do. it can even feel impossible, like there is a force inside of you daring you to speak of it. if i say, "i need help." in an instant you become powerless. weak. more human than you'd like to be.

i knew the day was coming. i anticipated the day for nine whole months. meeting my baby. my third child. my son. i wanted that day to come more than anything in the world ... but i also knew, having two babies prior, that there is a price to pay for a love that big. nothing is free, including this. with eleanor and wolfgang, i was textbook depressed for the first couple weeks after delivery. all of my symptoms were verbatim what i read in my what to expect while expecting book. i found that to be comforting because it was all there. i knew it would pass. it was frightening, but it would slowly fade away. ... this time was the same the first few days. i had every symptom. i knew it was coming and i could handle it. i told myself, "give it time, you will be okay." ...but this time, i was not okay. i was drowning in darkness.

my mom came every evening the first week and helped out. she made dinner and got eleanor and wolfgang bathed and in bed. it was amazing.  and every night when she left, i would slowly ease up the stairs with rufus in my arms, feeling more terrified than ive ever felt ... my husband works most evenings, so it was just me, the kids, this house and my thoughts. my horrifying thoughts.

night after night, i worsened. and honestly the days weren't much better. i cried from sun up to sun down. mostly in secret, but sometimes i couldn't hide it from the kids. i felt like the loneliest person who'd ever lived. i thought, "i can't do it." over and over again. when my husband left for work every morning, in my mind i was begging him not to go. "i can't be alone. please don't leave me alone." i would watch wolfgang play on the floor and wonder why anyone would trust me with these little people. i can love them, but that's all i can do. im not capable of this. im falling apart.

i began to dread the question, "how are you doing?"... one day specifically the mailman rang the door bell and when i answered, he handed me a package and cheerfully said, "how we doin' today?" ... in my head i responded, "please help me." it was as if an asteriod was about to hit earth and i was the only person who knew it was coming ... but if i said it out loud, somehow it would make it real. make it official. i would officially need help. i would officially be broken and need fixed.

the hallucinations began towards the end of my second week. my husband was working particularly late one night and i was exhausted. you know, cluster feeding and sleeping twenty minutes here, twenty minutes there. rufus had just fed and fallen asleep, so i turned on reruns of the office and began to drift off. i awoke to the sounds of what sounded like little girls singing. i looked out my window thinking the neighbors were outside. all i saw was darkness. when i heard it again, i realized it was coming from the wall behind my bed ... my heart began to race and i immediately texted my husband, "when are you coming home?" ... i somehow managed to drift off again and when i awoke the second time, my eyes immediately fixed on a baby hanging upside down across the room by my bathroom door ... (i know this is upsetting to read. believe me, it is upsetting to write this.) it was insane. i felt insane. ... i grabbed my phone and google searched postpartum psychosis because i remembered that being a thing from the days i worked at the state behavioral hospital. i do not believe in ghosts, i knew it was all in my head. i read that it does happen, although rare. i also read that it is almost always temporary. that brought me comfort, but i was still the most scared id ever been. i wanted to call 911, but i just believed it would stop. it just had to stop. ... my husband stayed home the next night because i asked him to, but i never told him why. it isn't an easy thing to talk about or admit. no one wants to appear crazy. or even potentially laughed at for even saying such bizarre things. he wouldn't have meant any harm, but i knew it was a possibility ...

i wanted so badly to fall into his arms and sob it all away. he knew i was struggling inside, but i didn't express how serious it was. i couldn't. i couldn't go to him. it was as if i didn't have a choice. somewhere inside, a part of me made it so i had to suffer alone... he would be standing next to me or laying next to me in bed and i would tell myself, "go to him," but i couldn't. i froze ...

my little wolfgang was my savior. he didn't know it, of course, but he saved me. i knew i couldnt reveal too much sadness to eleanor because it would worry and scare her. but wolfgang, i could sit next to him on the couch, read him a book and sob through the whole thing. kiss his little head in between pages and whisper, "we will be okay. mommy will be okay. mommy loves her babies so much." ... maybe that wasn't fair to him either, but he was the only person i felt i could trust. he wouldn't pass judgement and he wouldn't find me weak or crazy. even now, i regret sharing this here because i fear you will find me crazy.

now, at four weeks postpartum, i am recovering. i experience joy throughout the day and look forward to being awake and living life. of course, some days are emotional and hard, but that's just the normalcy of motherhood. i no longer feel trapped at the bottom of a well with no hope of getting out. i feel so relieved. a part of me still feels afraid that it will come back and when it does it will stay. that is my worst fear right now ... but i am trying hard to set the fear aside and enjoy everyday. to count my blessings that the darkness came, but it didn't stay ... i even let my husband watch all three babes so i could spend a few hours at the hair salon. it was everything.

if any of you are experiencing postpartum depression and feel unable to talk to your loved ones about it, please email me. even if you ask me not to respond and just need to get your feelings and words out there for someone to read and understand ... im here. please do not hesitate to reach out and more importantly, do not go through it alone. xo.












28 comments:

  1. What an honest and brave post shining a light on a topic that is so often misunderstood or surrounded with stigma. Sending strength and light.

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  2. Thank you thank you thank you a million

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  3. i want to be there with you, k. i really do. my heart is kind of in my throat, like if you tried to swallow an apple whole. i can't believe that happened alongside that soul of yours and it hurts to read it because it hurts to read horrible things happening to such beautiful hearts. i want to say, to you, that while you are reaching your heart out to others saying you are there, i am reaching my heart to you, saying I AM HERE. call me, text me, whatever form of reaching you prefer.

    i'd hop on a plane if needed, if they would allow an 8 month pregger, ya know, board.

    i can send you videos of my feet dancing or rapping to Iggy Azalea or whatever. any time of the day.

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  4. your honesty is the best. if only other mothers could follow in your footsteps.

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  5. So brave for putting this into words.

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  6. You are not crazy. :) I love this post. Thank you.

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  7. You're not crazy. You're a beautiful soul. Keep reaching out, even if the only way you manage to is via blog post. Never doubt that you are loved <3 I'm keeping you in my prayers xo

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  8. Thank you for this post! I am due to have my first baby Nov.13th and much of my fear and nerves come from the post-partum aspect of delivery. I already suffer from anxiety, which I know puts me at a greater risk post-partum. In reading this it reminded me that I will need to be comfortable relying on some of those around me, especially the first few weeks. I've been in those dark and scary places before and it's so isolating and terrifying... I don't wish it upon anyway. I'll be thinking of you and hoping along side you that this experience for you is lifting and moving you towards more happy and lighter days.

    By the way, I think we might share a friend or maybe an acquaintance of yours... Ryan & Cimmeron O'Connor? We all work together at Ohio University. Either way, they only have great things to say about your family!

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  9. I had my little sloane, no. 2, 8 months ago and I am still recovering from those early month crazies... My hubby knows I was struggling but he dosent know what was going through my head either. My anxiety was ridiculous and I doubted the existence of my faith. But its true what you said toremember it's temporary and "that great love comes with a cost." What a treasure you are to share! And I ment it when I said it before that your heart and words always make me want to be a better wife and mother. Love from northern Ohio 😘 -prayplaypaint

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  10. Oh my goodness, thank you for being so honest Kristen. Motherhood is the most amazing, rewarding thing I've ever done, or will do. But man is it lonely sometimes. Thinking of you

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  11. this is so beautiful. I am crying now. you're amazing, you're a beautiful human, and thank you for sharing <3

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  12. this is so beautiful. I am crying now. you're amazing, you're a beautiful human, and thank you for sharing <3

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  13. Such a beautiful and well thought out way to talk about something so hard.
    My daughter is 19 months old and I still remember that feeling of total isolation and dispair.
    My husband is gone 3 days and night straight out of every week for work and I remember not thinking I could make it through another day.
    It wasn't until months and months later when I was feeling 100% better that I realized how truly depressed I was and how bad my PPD had gotten.
    I also remember feeling like I couldn't talk to anyone, even though everyone wanted to help. That vulnerability was unbearable to think about.
    Now my husband and I are thinking about having another and while I want to so bad, I am still so scared to think about those first few weeks.
    But you are right, that amount of love you feel for that baby once they are born comes at a cost. But I'm willing to take it again.
    So much love and support coming your way, much love from Massachusetts.

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  14. Thank you for your beautiful raw words. I remember feeling so paralyzed by the fear that I wasn't able to articulate what I was going through to my loved ones. In the thick of my sadness I was so upset at anyone who had children, family, friends, and every woman I had ever met. The only thing they disclosed were the sleepless nights and the instant love you feel for this amazing gift. No one spoke about how very real PPD is and if one person told me what to expect, I would have been able to breathe a little easier. I remember telling my husband, " I don't know where he is going to go, but he can't stay here." Luckily with time I was able to enjoy each moment, even the tough ones. Thank you again, I am sure this is speaking to so many other mothers and giving them hope. You are an amazing woman.

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  15. Bless your heart- I hope you visited your doctor. I experienced the same, though not as severe. Medication made ALL the difference! You don't mention seeing a physician, so just in case- I STRONGLY encourage it. PPD isn't something to just wait out or power through. There is no shame in seeking help. Love, light, and prayers for you. You are such a good mama.

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  16. You are not crazy at all! Just sleep deprived and hormonal. Give yourself a break. Make sure to ask for help so you can SLEEP. I have three kids too, and my youngest is only 3 months old, placenta pills helped me A LOT this time around, if you go for a fourth, I highly recommend it! I LOVE your blog and your honesty! Thanks so much for sharing so much beauty and sincerity with us. ♥ F

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  17. Love this post, and your honesty. I struggled with postpartum Anxiety and OCD. It's so hard when no one understands what you're going through. I felt like I was in a horror movie most days. I ended up going on an anti depressant when it got too bad. Love your blog!

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  18. You are a brave soul! And I admire you. I'm happy to hear you are recovering. I send you lots of love and peace. Your a beautiful mommy

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  19. You are a brave soul! And I admire you. I'm happy to hear you are recovering. I send you lots of love and peace. Your a beautiful mommy

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  20. This is beautiful to read, and so honest of you to share. I just found your beautiful life on Instagram... Looking at your peaceful mothering with 3 kids, making it look amazing and flawless and so I clicked on your blog to get inspiration on how to will myself to have a third child. Instead I found this real and pure and incredible post. Thank you. This is why I struggle with two kids. Pure happiness and pure exhaustion almost every minute of everyday

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  21. what a beautiful yet thrilling thing to read. and this. this is what makes you strong. you are not weak. especially for sharing that part of you.

    and it's okay to feel that. you are human. i know its hard. i've been there with kendyl. i only recently got out of it but you will, too.

    in time you will be you again.

    the salon was a great idea. you need that breath of fresh air. we all do as mothers.

    and this..my husband works most evenings, so it was just me, the kids, this house and my thoughts. my horrifying thoughts.

    how i feel everyday, too.

    all the love k

    xx

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  22. youre so brave & i'm thankful for you.

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  23. I suffered through post-partum well past my little guys first birthday, I sought help after 6 weeks and with it just getting worse, but like you felt like I couldn't really admit the full extent to anyone. You are so brave and so kind to post this, for a year I scoured the internet to find someone "normal" who was having the same experience as me to give me some hope that I wasn't in fact ruined for life. I didn't find anyone as beautifully, brutally honest as you have been here. But you would have been my beacon of hope, so thank you for posting this for all the other mothers who may be searching for that beacon. <3

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  24. Thank you for being honest about your mental health- you weren't and aren't crazy, you are just a mom having a common experience that shouldn't be looked down upon. Would love to partner with you through my mental health blog amentallife.com to reshare this story and get more moms talking comfortably and openly about this

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  25. from a momma experiencing (somewhat) similar difficulties, i thank you. big time. thank you for your bravery, honesty, and encouragement. you're one of my faves on instagram. mostly because i adore your style and love for your family. and now after reading this post i have mad respect for you. thanks and love from az.

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  26. from a momma experiencing (somewhat) similar difficulties, i thank you. big time. thank you for your bravery, honesty, and encouragement. you're one of my faves on instagram. mostly because i adore your style and love for your family. and now after reading this post i have mad respect for you. thanks and love from az.

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