on not always doing your best

today i walked around my house with a broken heart. it wasn't broken, it just felt like it was. if given the option, i would have gladly said yes to curling up into the fetal position and sobbed all the way to bedtime. i didn't do my best today. i didn't even try. it really bothers me when people say, "well, such and such didn't go well, but at least you are doing your best." i think that's bullshit. for the most part as a human and mother, yes, i give it my all ... but sometimes, i just don't. i see a short line for the emotional roller coaster and shit ... i hop right on. tears flowing, wind in my hair, screaming all the way up and all the way down. meanwhile, my kids are sitting on a bench waiting for me ... eating god knows what and probably falling down and slamming their fingers in doors. this is honest. this is life. 

now that they are tucked away in their beds ... i cry some more because damn it, kristen ... tomorrow you gotta get it together. no excuses. i know that most of my highs and lows right now are because i am full term in my pregnancy and just ready for this baby to get here. it is so hard to move around right now and to keep up with my kiddos. i wouldn't trade this time for anything in the whole world, but that doesn't change the fact that it IS hard... they have been so patient with me. today eleanor saw i was crying, yet again, and she drew me a picture of the five of us. new baby right there in my arms. it was so innocent and wonderful and sweet. and later, i let them play outside a bit and wolfgang strutted up to me carrying the teeniest white flower i have ever seen. he handed it to me and then scurried away... they were doing their best today because i couldn't. i truly believe that ... that is what makes us a team. what makes us family. what makes us very best friends. 

p.s. i apologize for the cursing ... those words basically just typed themselves out. 

and listen to this song. it will mend your broken, but not really broken, heart. 

our new home

everything is put away and in it's place. there are no longer boxes lingering around the house and every window and floor has been scrubbed clean. i must say, it feels really good. of course, i still have to keep the glass cleaner in one hand and the broom in the other at all times because of my little ones ... but that's okay. we are home. some days i look on to my future and the thought of no longer wiping up smudges and picking up crumbs makes my heart feel so heavy. i will embrace it now. it is something to be cherished, i think. 

my husband has been working so much lately, so his office is still halfway painted and organized, but that's okay. it will get done. he is truly amazing. i don't think he realizes how wonderful he actually is. three, almost four, humans are completely healthy and fed and living well because of him. i am so thankful for that man. 

there are still some things around the house that will eventually need tended to, but nothing that this really pregnant mama is going to overwork herself trying to do now. for example, the wood floors need waxed and the ceilings and windows need painted ... i'm thinking i will begin one project in winter and then another in spring. we'll see. 

here are some photos of our new house. i didn't include a photo of the master bath, although i should have because it's one of my favorite things about this house. i also didn't take a photo of our finished basement that has been made into a playroom and laundry area. it is really awesome and a way to let the kiddos watch a movie and play while i wash clothes. we usually head down every morning after breakfast for an hour or so and then again before dinner time. it's great because it is the only space in the house that has a television, so this way they aren't glued to the tv all day. lastly, i did not include any photos of our yard because i'll be honest ... being nine months pregnant and hanging out in one hundred degree weather just isn't my cup of tea right now. :)

thanks for taking a peek. we are really, really happy and have so much to feel grateful for. 

1. where mama and papa and sometimes babies sleep :)
2. where we dine
3. looking into the living room from our kitchen 
4. the kitchen sink
5. a nursery for our soon to arrive baby boy
6. our living room 
7. a little girl's bathroom 
8. wolfgang's room 
9. our kitchen 
10. eleanor's room 

and we wait ...

i just not so gracefully plopped down on my bed to watch some TV and enjoy a bowl of pistachio gelato ... this is basically what i do almost every single night after tucking my babes in. although some nights it's cereal instead. anyway, soon this will change a bit. we will be living with a newborn and i might not be able to embrace my normal nighttime ritual .. and that's okay because i know in time i will get it back. three babies in, i know that it just takes a while. i am surprised at how calm i am this time around. with eleanor, i didn't have a clue what was coming. i was young and never really grasped how major having a baby is. with wolfgang, i was really scared. at times i even felt incapable. how will i juggle two kids? what was i thinking? ... but now, i'm calm. i know that it will be hard as hell and i'm ready for it. we will have really, really bad days with lots of tears, tantrums and turmoil, but we WILL survive it. it's just life. it's having kids. it's motherhood. everything will be okay. we gotta shake it off and keep it movin'. 

i guess if i am fearful of anything, it is the first six weeks postpartum. i know that i will cry a lot and one week in, during a three am feeding, i will feel terrified and desperate and feel like i'm falling into a hole and at the bottom i am all alone. it will suck and i know that. i will doubt myself many, many times ... but i will be okay. it will pass. it always does. 

in regards to preparing for our little man's arrival ... we are just about ready. he has about six outfits and no diapers, but hey! we are ready ... but really, he won't need much. we have a car seat to bring him home in, mama's milk and all the love to give. that's enough. 

i began putting his room together and it's exactly how i imagined it. simple and sweet. a bed to sleep in and my great, great grandpa's rocking chair that creaks like a song. i find simplicity to be the most comforting. every morning until he arrives, i will slowly open the door and peek in. i will hear myself humming, the suckling sound of his nursing tongue and i will see the sunlight at my feet as we rock. it will be perfect and i cannot wait. three more weeks. 

p.s. stay tuned for a 'what's in my hospital bag?' post. xo. 

we bought a house!

after nineteen very, very, very long and tiresome months, we finally sold our house today. as soon as the final paper was signed by the buyer, the stress and worry of it all slowly lifted off our shoulders and floated all the way up and out of our atmosphere. a relief... moments after our house was officially sold, we signed papers to buy a new one... giddy as a bunch of school girls, we went over for the first time tonight to have a look around our new space. a place we will burrow ourselves. a place we will call home. 

we will be taking the remainder of the week to move in ... i cannot wait to take down all of the old curtains, slap some bright paint on the walls and put our things away. so, so excited to nest my days away. 

here are just a few shots i snapped when we first got there this evening. once we were inside we were busy walking around and watching the kids run wild in and out of every room. it was so happy and wonderful ... i will be painting the front doors soon that are currently red ... i'm thinking a mustard yellow? we'll see!

sunday morning thoughts

i am sitting at my dining room table reflecting this morning.... if all goes as planned, this will be our last sunday living here. our last sunday lazing around this old house. it feels so bitter at times, but for the most part, sweet because i am more than ready to stop living out of boxes and get settled in our new home. that will feel so good. once we are settled, we will welcome our new baby and embrace the changing of seasons ... my favorite season, autumn. our new house has two large maple trees in the front yard and i smile imagining my new baby boy laying in the bassinet while my other two run and jump in those fallen leaves. gosh, how magical that will be ... my photo taking has been a little ech lately because we are living in limbo and this house is far from photogenic right now and i can't wait to take photos of the new place... to feel inspired. to be home. 

here are some photos from the past week or so ... things that make me happy, things i want to remember. 

1. eleanor had ballet camp all last week and always looks so pretty walking around in that pink leotard.

2. carrots from the market. we made pot roast.

3 & 4. wolfgang just looking so cute walking around our backyard munching down on an ice cream cone.

5. picking out a paint color for her dresser.

6. always wearing mama's nightgowns and robe.

7. more ice cream ...

8. we took our last peek at baby boy before his arrival!

9. a naked wolfgang waiting for his bath.

10. still such a baby boy.

11. three of my favorite humans walking hand in hand.

12. every year we go to a fourth of july festival and i let her pick out a new dress to wear.

13. we lost count of how many popsicles he ate at gramma and granddads yesterday.

14. weekend toes with my girl.

15. that day he took two naps. two.

16. stumbled upon some stairway chat as i was carrying up a load of laundry.