approaching thirty.

this year is kind of huge for me. i turn thirty. THIRTY. and let me tell you ... every morning when i wake and stumble to the bathroom and slowly plop on the toilet, i feel it. my pee even has a new smell. is that weird to say? who cares. oh and then when i stand up and pull up those oversized hanes her way that i have been wearing since my last pregnancy and look in the mirror, all i see is everything that has happened since my birth until now. i look like an open memoir. sadness, exhaustion, motherhood, remnants of my youth, worry, happiness, comfort, joy ... old and new. if i study my face long enough i can see my nineteen year old self in a fit of laughter. i can see the joy i felt when my babies were born. i can see the innocence of a seven year old me playing catch with my brother in the yard of the house i grew up in. it's all there. it's here. living in every pore and in every wrinkle. every accomplishment. every mistake. it's there ... and it's some kind of wonderful.

man, my twenties were hard. i messed up. a lot. a whole lot. but i also grew so much and i am so grateful to finally be leaving my twenties and entering my thirties. i feel like i finally have my feet planted on the ground and know exactly what i want. what i need. and that is exactly what i have right now. staying at home with my babies, waiting for my husband to get home. fixing dinner and evening routines and loads of laundry and dirty diapers and long naps. all of it. 

for the past ten years i have been keeping notes. literally. and storing them in the top of my dresser drawer. today i pulled them out. here they are. 

it's okay if some people don't fancy you. 

cellulite IS sexy. 

never be someone else's black cloud. 

you will never outgrow feelings. 

you don't always have to take a stand. 

if the apple you are eating isn't organic, it's okay. 

learn how to say "i'm sorry" and mean it.

cry alone and for no reason when you need to. 

stop hating yourself for mistakes you cannot undo and just try really, really try hard not to ever make those mistakes again. 

mind ya business. 

negativity will destroy you and the ones you love. 

never forget the times you felt free and remember them often. 

sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will ALWAYS hurt you. 

be kind. be kind. be kind. 

ask yourself why you are still holding that grudge. maybe you should be. or maybe not?

love yourself with greasy hair and no makeup. this IS how your children will remember you anyway. 

try your damnedest to be the light in someone else's life. 

sing. 

notice something beautiful every single day. 

lay in your underwear and read a book while the babies nap. 

let it go. 

stop hiding from the camera. when you're eighty you will think, "i looked great."

and lastly... this is one that i reflect on often....

stop wondering if the grass is always greener and water yours. 

age twenty to thirty. my soundtrack. 

1. Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

2. Neil Young - On the Beach 

3. The Be Good Tanyas - Chinatown

4. Kings of Convenience - Riot On An Empty Street

5. Clouddead - Ten

6. Son Volt - Trace 

7. Devendra Banhart - Rejoicing in the Hands

8. Sufjan Stevens - Michigan/Illinoise

9. Joanna Newsom - The Milk Eyed Mender

10. Belle & Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister 

11. Beck - Sea Change 

12. Bonnie 'Prince' Billy - EVERYTHING HE EVER MADE

13. The Upsetters - Super Ape 

14. Andrew Bird - Mysterious Production of Eggs

15. Damien Jurado - Where Shall You Take Me?

16, Sun Kil Moon - Ghosts Of The Great Highway

17. Magnolia Electric Co. - What Comes After The Blues 

18. Gillian Welch - Soul Journey
19. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
20. M. Ward - Transistor Radio

the other day Arick said that there are probably only one or two people in this world that you will love unconditionally and all you can hope for is that whoever that person may be for you ... that you are also that person for them. 

this is a photo of a  twenty four year old me with my husband eating breakfast at a local diner that we frequented a lot at that time in our lives. 

i know this post was jumbled and a bit random. thanks for reading. a big hell yea kind of welcome home hug for my thirties and a sweet farewell kiss to my twenties. xo.